Every Medical Show, Episode Sixteen: Health Inspection

In which Average City Hospital lives up to its reputation

It’s been a long time since we last visited Average City Hospital, but that doesn’t mean the halfway competent staff aren’t ready to give their most average performance for a visiting health inspector….

Dr. Handsome Face: We take pride in our staff and their work here Ms. Snobby Health Inspector. I think you’ll find all are prepared for any test you throw at us.

*Dr. Handsome Face swishes his hair.*

Dr. Handsome Face: Did I also mention that we’re all very good looking? Or most of us anyways. *He looks sideways at Hungry Nurse.*

*Hungry Nurse crunches loudly into an apple as he stares at the health inspectors. Apple juice drips down his chin.*

Snobby Health Inspector: I do not throw tests Dr. Handsome Face. I am here as an official health inspector to thoroughly examine your records and observe your everyday practices. I expect full access to everything in this hospital. 

Hungry Nurse: Does that include the refrigerators?

*Snobby Health Inspector looks down her nose at Hungry Nurse. She clicks her pen loudly and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Begin the tour.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead Snobby Health Inspector into the room outside the operating room. The three of them watch Evil British Doctor try to guide Cute Quirky Intern through a procedure.*

Evil British Doctor: At the rate you are moving the anesthesia will wear off and the patient will awaken.

Cute Quirky Intern: I’m trying Evil British Doctor, but it’s the first time I’m assisting in a surgery, I’m so excited! I’ll move a little faster.

Evil British Doctor: No, work more slowly. I insist.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh…okay then. You’re really nice Evil British Doctor, all the other doctors just yell at me to move faster. You’re not as mean as they say you are.

Evil British Doctor: You are right. I am much meaner. Now slow down on this patient.

*Snobby Health Inspector gasps and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Encouraging interns to purposely fumble procedures, flouting OR safety protocols…these are serious hazards. What is this doctor’s name?

*Dr. Handsome Face shrugs. Hungry Nurse takes another loud bite of his apple.*

Snobby Health Inspector: *mumbling as she continues to write* Eating in the OR prep room…Now I want to inspect one of the patient rooms.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse bring Snobby Health Inspector to a room where Dr. Cheesehead is speaking to a patient.*

Dr. Cheeshead: So then I told the man, ‘sir, Munster cheese is best served with a good beer, not a heavy Shiraz wine—get rid of this!’ Can you believe that? Crazy. Shiraz with Munster cheese, I might as well eat cheese from a package.

 Patient: Uh, Dr. Cheesehead, am I free to go?

Dr. Cheesehead: Huh? Oh yea, I signed the discharge papers hours ago.

Patient: What! You mean I can go home? Why am I still here?

Dr. Cheesehead: You asked me about cheese.

Patient: I had a question about fees!

Dr. Cheesehead: Oh. Well, cheese is better. I just like talking about cheese.

*Snobby Health Inspector shakes her head and writes something down on her clipboard. Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead her down the hallway to a supply closet.*

Dr. Handsome Face: You should take a look at the supply closet, it’s full of…. *He exchanges a look with Hungry Nurse* …supplies.

Hungry Nurse: *Nodding* Yea, supplies.

Snobby Health Inspector: I know what a supply closet is.

*Dr. Handsome Face opens the door and he and Hungry Nurse push Snobby Health Inspector inside and lock her in. Snobby Health Inspector rattles the doorknob.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Hello? Did you just lock me in? Excuse me! *Banging on the door* I need to finish my report! Open this door!

*A noise in the corner of the closet startles Snobby Health Inspector. She sees Apathetic Nurse and Panicked Intern kissing beside the toilet paper.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Speaking to Snobby Health Inspector* Do you mind? We’re trying to have a romantic moment here.

Panicked Intern: Ye-ye-yea. Uh, that—that door isn’t locked is it?

Snobby Health Inspector: I demand you two stop this immediately. This room is not meant for your personal activities.

Apathetic Nurse: *Sarcastically* Oh no, I’m so scared. Don’t tell anyone.

Panicked Intern: Um, I-I-I am actually scared here. Are we really locked in?

Snobby Health Inspector: Oh this is all going in my report. 

In Defense of Zombies, Or, Why The Job Hunt Is Pretty Tough

Sometimes I wish this whole zombie apocalypse thing everyone keeps worrying about would just happen so that I can stop stressing about finding a job. 

A spooky house where zombies lurk! 

I mean, the constant threat of being ripped apart by undead monsters sounds pretty horrible, but then I think, is it really that much worse than writing another cover letter? Cover letters are the worst. How many ways more ways can I say, ‘I’m qualified to to do stuff, please hire me now so I can finally feel like a successful human.’ 

When you put it in perspective, zombies are really not that terrible, sure, they’re a threat to humanity, and civilization as we know it, but on the bright side, think about all the things you wouldn’t need to worry about anymore. No more school. No more work. You don’t have to read your emails. You don’t have to pay taxes. You don’t have to pay bills. You never have to complain about working out again because your whole life will be a workout. 

Those are just a few of the great things we can look forward to when the big zombie outbreak happens. You can stop worrying about computer repairs or whether you’ll get to work on time. And you never have to fill out another long, horrible application form ever again---or any form for that matter. 

It’s a form-free world, enjoy it. 

Ambition: A Short Story (Part III)

Last week, we heard Eva's perspective and learned that her newest client was none other than Eva's mother, Jessica. Eva stormed out, leaving her poor assistant Danielle alone with Jessica....

I stared at the elevator doors, wondering what I should do next. Should I finish the presentation with Jessica Collins? Was I supposed to follow Eva? Did she want me to follow? I had a sinking feeling that Eva would fire me if I bothered her right now. She’d definitely fire me if we lost this event with Jessica’s company.

“Danielle, is it?” Jessica Collins came up behind me. Her voice was soft, but I had the strong suspicion that this was a woman who didn’t need to raise her voice for people to listen. “My daughter can be very passionate.”

“Yea.” That’s one word for it. “I should go.”

“If you think that’s best.” Jessica Collins handed me a white card, “My information. Eva is fickle with assistants. You may be out of a job soon. You should work for me.”

“What?” I took the card, my heart pounding over the thought of losing my position. “I don’t think I can----“

“Work for me. Even if you go back to Eva. You can be here part-time, you’ll make good money. I’m sure you need it.” Jessica looked me up and down with a critical eye.

I felt my cheeks get warm at the underhanded comment. “I appreciate this Ms. Collins, but---you would want me to work here even if I’m still Eva’s assistant?”

“I don’t have the time I thought I would, to fix things.” Her controlled smile fell. “I want to stay close to my daughter in any way I can.”

“Oh.” I turned the business card over. “I’ll think about it.” I’d been so desperate for work after college, I had never imagined turning down an offer.

“You can’t say no to a dying woman.” Jessica Collins smiled. “When can you start?”

Ambition: A Short Story (Part II)

Continued from Part I....Last week, we were introduced to Danielle, a young woman working for a demanding boss, Eva. In part II, we hear Eva's perspective....

We wasted nearly ten minutes getting through building security. Danielle of course wasted even more time getting the elevator door to work.

“First time pushing a button?” I snapped. Danielle’s slowness wasn’t helping my nerves.

“I’m trying Eva.” Danielle complained as the doors finally slid open. The quiet in the elevator bothered me, my mind going back to the last time I had seen Ms. Jessica Collins. It’d been my birthday. She brought me a present and I tried not to cry. I played with the clasp on my bag, letting it open and snap shut. The sharp sound kept me focused. There was nothing Jessica Collins could criticize about the presentation, and anything she found fault with I could pin on Danielle. That’s what assistants are for. I had disliked Danielle as soon as she walked into my office. The girl was a fresh graduate, a too-cheerful face and bouncing walk betraying her enthusiasm and naiveté. Her resume was good though, too good. Her portfolio even better. But Danielle wasn’t right for this industry. Planning exclusive events in this city took boldness that this girl, with daisies embroidered into her blouse, couldn’t stomach. So I hired her on the spot. She’d do the work, I’d get the recognition.

Image Source

The elevator opened directly into the office. Glass walls and metal sculptures gave the space a stark, modern look. The minimal surroundings only heightened Jessica’s presence. She rose to greet us, her form-fitting white dress made her look like one of the sculptures. 

Danielle stuck out her hand. “Jessica Collins? Hi, I’m Danielle. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Jessica raised a single, elegant eyebrow. The wrinkles around her eyes made her look distinguished. “Only good things, I hope?”

“Oh yes, of course. You were a financial analyst that helped transform three different businesses into Fortune 500 companies. Now you’re an executive here at-----“

“Congratulations, you googled her.” I glared at Danielle. She shut up. Jessica said nothing, though I could feel her watching the interaction closely. I took a deep breath and spoke directly to her. “Jessica.” I shook her hand lightly, not wanting to linger. “Let’s talk about the event. I have some samples to show you----“

“You skin looks clear Eva. What are you using now?” Jessica interrupted. I blinked and tried not to think too deeply into the backhanded compliment. Jessica motioned for us to sit in the chairs across from her desk.

Danielle pulled out the portfolio. “So, this is a party for the CEO of your company, right Ms. Collins? And we---Eva---was thinking about incorporating some photographs of him into the design for the event. Here’s an example---“

“You must be doing well at the company?” Jessica asked. “The party you planned at Riverfront was spectacular, I heard.” Her voiced dripped with sarcasm when she said spectacular. As if she ever thought I could create something that warranted the term.

 

“It was.” I was determined not to play her game. I kept my eyes on Jessica’s nails. Clear polish, the edges trimmed into a perfectly oval.

“You’re up for a promotion I understand.”

“How did you hear about that?” I asked. What a stupid question. Of course she knew.

Jessica pretended to look at the samples in the portfolio. “Just because you refuse to speak to me doesn’t mean that I’m not informed about your life. Why do you think I requested you for this event?”

“I got that job on my own, mother. I don’t owe you anything. Not anymore.” I hated that my voice cracked. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Danielle looking between Jessica and myself. I hadn’t told her Jessica was my mother.

“You’re getting very excited Eva.” Jessica—I refused to call her mother anymore, said calmly. That calm voice drove me crazy. “Your assistant wants to continue the presentation.”

“Forget the presentation. Why did you call me down here? You wanted to remind me of all the ways I’ve wasted my talent, my beauty? You want to tell me again how much of a drag it was to raise your own daughter?” I was shouting now. My careful self-control lost. It was always the same with her. I got my purse and went to the elevator.

“Eva. You’re being unreasonable right now----“

“Don’t pretend you care about my career mother.” I said tearfully as the elevator opened and I stepped inside. I let the door shut on Danielle’s face and collapsed against the wall, tears already ruining my mascara. 

To be continued.....

Ambition: A Short Story (Part I)

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“I asked for an iced caramel latte. This is just latte!” Eva threw the drink against the pavement, splattering coffee everywhere. I sighed deeply and threw the discarded cup into a nearby trashcan. Spots of coffee stained my dress. It wasn't the greatest dress, but my boss, Eva, had the fewest complaints about this one.

“You want me to get another one?” I asked patiently. “I’ll make sure they put the caramel in.” Eva had been in a mood all day; I was used to her high-handed comments by now, but something was different about today.

“Don’t bother.” Eva snapped. She adjusted her white leather purse, making sure the designer label faced outward. “Move faster with the coffee next time Danielle, or I may reconsider your position. We’re late for our meeting with the client.” Eva snapped her fingers and I trotted after her. Eva quickened her pace and I hurried to catch up, how she managed to walk that fast in heels was inhuman. We finally stopped at a sleek building in the middle of downtown, a sign beside the glass-front doors told us to check in before heading upstairs.

“Door.” Eva paused, waiting impatiently for me to open the door. I expected this job to be hard; I anticipated the long hours, the frantic energy of an event, the drudgery of administrative work. But I wasn’t ready for the humiliation, the feeling that someone held my career in their hand. That’s what work felt like. Or maybe that was just what it felt like to work for Eva. I finally got the door open and Eva waltzed in, approaching the front desk as if she were the queen demanding her entourage. 

To be continued.....

Fifteen

I was listening to that very old Taylor Swift song, Fifteen (released 2009) on Youtube today, don’t know why, don’t ask. 

She's just too cool for school, isn't she?
Image copyrighted by T. Swivel, please don't sue me Taylor.

Anyways, someone in the comments said that being fifteen is nothing like the song, it’s mostly school problems. I have to agree, most heartily. It got me thinking, what if songs actually sang about the real problems people faced, instead of heartbreak, romance, and wistful romantic longing? If there was a Fifteen soundtrack that was more realistic, it’d look something like this:

Fifteen Album featuring the hit singles “Geometry” and “Drive Me to the Mall, Please”

Learner’s License

This School Stinks

I Can’t Open my Locker

Geometry

Sexy Sex Ed (How to Spell Sex)

Why does School Start So Early

Drive Me to the Mall, Please

Extracurricular, Extra Problems

School Peas

Pop Quiz

Stop Laughing at Me (No, You’re Stupid)

Bus Smell

Check before you Cheat

Calculate the Radius

Mom Can I Have Some Money?

I Can’t Open my Locker, after-school remix

And then about ten years later, I'd release an anniversary album called Career, detailing the fun of finding a job as an adult:

Courtesy of the paint application on my computer

Career Album featuring hit singles “My Resume” and “Kill the Cover Letter”

Hunting for Jobs

My Resume

Format that s*** (explicit)

Who’s the Hiring Manager?

Application Boxes be too Small

Linkedin, Linkedout

Kill the Cover Letter

Rejection Hurts in the Brain

Relevant Experience

Unemployment Blues

To Whom It May Concern

Part-time Pain

Where’s my Writing Sample?

Kill the Cover Letter, professional remix

Interview (Stress to Impress)

Th edgy realism in my songs would blow everyone away and my songs' artistry and relevant social commentary would keep the world talking. I'd dominate the music charts and usher in a new age of music that speaks to the mundane realities of listeners. But for now, I'll get back to work. And here's that Taylor Swift song, Fifteen, all jokes aside, it's a good song. 

Start the Swinter Semester Right

It’s 2016, the start of a new year and a new semester. Depending on your college or university, it might be called the spring semester or the winter semester---the swinter semester if you like. It’s a new semester and maybe you’ve already made a few lofty promises, like, no binge snacking, or, only watching one episode at a time on Netflix (yea right), maybe you want straight A’s, new friends, or perhaps you need to pass a difficult course to complete your degree.

Maybe you haven’t made any promises for the semester, because, why bother? It’ll be the same as before, with last-minute studying, desperate all-nighters, buckets of caffeine, and a growing to-do list. But it can be different. Those who make goals are ten times more likely to reach their aspirations than people who never set goals. 

Define those Goals  

Set at least 3 goals for yourself. Write each one down and post it somewhere you can see it. Every semester I posted an

index card with my target GPA next to my computer, and I reached my GPA goal every semester. 

Make sure to keep each goal short, simple, and detailed. If you want to make more friends, your goal could be something like, “meet and chat with 2 new people every week.” It’s a simply-stated goal with a clear definition of success.

Get Organized (Sorta)

Staying organized doesn’t have to mean scheduling every nap on an app, or keeping task lists in a planner. Planners and organization apps are great tools, but only if they work for you. What’s important is that you know what needs to get

done, and the deadline for completing it. Write it or track it somewhere, mark the assignment, activity, etc. and the day it has to be finished. Track back from the deadline, and budget how much time you need to get it done---be realistic about your own abilities. Be honest with yourself. Also, don’t compare your pace to friends and classmates, just because your friend studied for an hour doesn’t mean you need to match her. Be honest about the time you need to finish something.

Know What to Do (Actually read the syllabus)

Getting organized and setting goals are great, but if you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t make a plan. You’ve heard professors say  “it’s on the syllabus,” read it. Understand the requirements, assignments, and grades breakdown for your classes at the beginning of the semester. You don’t want to find out at the end of the semester that the test you failed because you barely studied is worth 30% of your grade. Find out what the professor will grade you on and put the time into those assignments. 

If 40% of the grade comes from class discussion, get serious about completing your readings. If the midterm is worth 50% of your grade, don’t study last-minute. Know what you need to do to succeed in each class. Don’t get sucker punched by a requirement that you would have known if you had checked the syllabus and had a conversation with your professor. A little time in can go a long way to a better semester.

Leave a comment about what tips and tricks you use to start your semester on the right foot. Have a successful swinter semester!