Every Medical Show, Episode Fourteen: Bagel Boy

In which a hot boy toy provides the hospital staff with a welcome distraction.

The doctors at Average City Hospital believe in trusting their interns with important work, especially if the doctors don’t feel like doing it themselves. After all, that’s what interns are for….

Dr. Cheesehead: Are you ready?

Panicked Intern: No.

*Dr. Cheesehead sighs.*

Dr. Cheesehead: You can do this Panicked Intern. You just have to make the first…and second incision on the patient. Just, breathe----think about relaxing things, like…. cheese.

Panicked Intern: Cheese gives me a stomachache. This is making me more nervous.

Hungry Nurse: Oh my goodness just make the incision kid. I wanna get out of here, I’m starving.

Panicked Intern: Okay, okay. *Takes a deep breathe.* I can do this. I can do this.

Dr. Cheesehead: *Whispering to Hungry Nurse* I don’t think he can do this.

*Hungry Nurse freezes and stares at the door. He pulls off his surgical mask and sniffs the air.*

Hungry Nurse: I smell…..*walks to the door and sniffs* I smell bagels. Delicious…doughy bagels-----

*Hungry Nurse runs out of the operating room and into the hallway, searching for the bagels.*

Dr. Cheesehead: *Calling after Hungry Nurse* Hey! Wait! *Looks between the patient and the open door as if debating what to do.* There might be asiago cheese bagels…I’ll be right back---just, hold on. *Runs out of the operating room, leaving Panicked Intern alone.*

Cheese baked into a bagel--how could Dr. Cheesehead pass that up?

Panicked Intern: Uhhhhh, where could you possibly be going? Don’t leave me! *His arm holds the scalpel poised above the patient, his hand is shaking. Sweat pours down his forhead.* You can do this Panicked Intern. Positive affirmations----I am not nervous. I am powerful and confident---no, no I’m not, I’m a mess. I can’t do this. Help!!!

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the operating room, the nurses are spying on a newcomer to the hospital….

Nurse Sexy Hair: Oooh, I really like the new bagel delivery boy. He has amazing hair. *Twirls her hair* What’s his name again?

Apathetic Nurse: It’s on his name tag.

Nurse Sexy Hair: *Reading the name tag* Bay-gel Boy. Oooh, mysterious. How come we don’t get name tags?

Apathetic Nurse: Because we hate labels. Remember? *Looks up from her magazine.* Bagel Boy is pretty….decent-looking though. I wouldn’t mind a bite of that. *Snaps her fingers in the air.* Hey, Bagel Boy! Yes, you, with the hair.

Hungry Nurse: *Running up behind the nurses* I smelled bagels. Where’s the bagels?

*Bagel Boy walks up to the nurses pushing a cart loaded with bagels, butter, and cream cheese.*

Bagel Boy: You rang?

*Nurse Sexy Hair and Apathetic Nurse give Bagel Boy a long, 

admiring stare. Hungry Nurse stares at the bagels.*

Bagel Boy: You guys want a bagel or what? I got butter melting here. Not that I care. Butter ruins the integrity of the bagel experience. And cream cheese----don’t even get me started on that abomination of a topping-----

Hungry Nurse: I’ll take-----three, no, five---wait----ten bagels please.

Bagel Boy: What kind you want? Actually----no, I will choose for you. You look like a man who appreciates the complexity and range of the bagel medium, a man who does not allow fickle foodie trends to sway his taste buds. *Begins carefully selecting bagels and putting them in a box.*

Hungry Nurse: Sure, whatever. Just gimme the bagels. *Rubs his hands together in anticipation.*

*Hungry Nurse pays for the bagels and Bagel Boy hands him the bagel box. Hungry Nurse grabs it and runs off.*

Bagel Boy: Did you ladies wish to purchase a delectable bagel? The poppyseed ones are particularly good today.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Wow, that was soooo hot.

*Apathetic Nurse glares at Nurse Sexy Hair.*

Bagel Boy: Unfortunately, these bagels are no longer hot. But toasting them may provide the experience you’re looking for.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Ooooh, that’s hot. Don’t you think bagels are just…so….sexy? *Smiles at Bagel Boy.*

Bagel Boy: They do have a certain attractiveness to them. Probably because they are circular. Humans are drawn to organic forms, and the circle holds great significance in many cultures. It symbolizes the cycle of life, time, the eternalness of the soul-----

Apathetic Nurse: She hates bagels. She thinks bagels are just bald donuts. *Smirks.*

Bagels' better cousin

*Bagel Boy gasps dramatically and looks horrified.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: What? No! That’s not true. *Whispering 

to Apathetic Nurse.* Why would you tell him that? I told you that in confidence---he’s hot and you’re ruining this.

Apathetic Nurse: That’s what you get for leaving me with that Disoriented Patient that day in the ER. I said you’d pay for it, you can’t get away with everything just cuz you’re pretty-----

Nurse Sexy Hair: Uh! Well, obviously, I misjudged our friendship. I thought-----uh, we are so over Apathetic Nurse. *Flips her hair and stalks off.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Turns back to Bagel Boy.* So you were saying?

Bagel Boy: What just happened------

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t mind her, she’s probably looking for some hair products. Tell me more about the bagels. *Smiles flirtatiously.*

Bagel Boy: Well-----

Panicked Intern peeks his head out of the operating room door and watches the exchange between Bagel Boy and Apathetic Nurse. Jealousy burns in his heart, he grips the scalpel in one hand.

Panicked Intern: How dare you---you---you interloper, trying to steal away my beautiful nurse. This is war Bagel Boy, prepare for battle….