Every Medical Show, Episode Five: Stale Coffee

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which the nurses have a serious conversation about their love lives.

It’s another dreary day at Average City Hospital. Skies are gray and the hospital staff are slow and listless. No one feels like doing work, not that they feel like working on any other day, but today the staff is feeling especially lazy. Maybe because it’s a Sunday, maybe because the cafeteria served turkey sandwichs for lunch and everyone is sleepy from turkey-induced Tryptophan, or maybe it’s because half the hospital was up late the night before partying at Dr. Hottie McHotterson’s swanky city loft. Whatever the reason, the hospital nurses are hiding out in the break room discussing donuts and their uninspired love lives over some stale coffee….

Gossipy Nurse: You heard about what happened in the morgue last week? *Slurps coffee loudly, he looks around the room excitedly.* They killed a patient. The interns, and Evil British Doctor was there.

Apathetic Nurse: We already heard this story Gossipy Nurse---I thought you’d have some fresh news by now, not some stale story. *Rolls her eyes.*

Hungry Nurse: There’s fresh food? Where? I want some.

Apathetic Nurse: Fresh news----

Gossipy Nurse: I’ll have you know, Apathetic Nurse, that I have some fresh developments in the morgue story. Thank you very much. *Snaps fingers.*

Apathetic Nurse: I could care less either way.

Hungry Nurse: Wait, just to be clear on this food thing, there’s definitely no fresh food anywhere?

Nurse Sexy Hair: I think Dr. Handsome Face loves me.

Gossipy Nurse: *Waves his arms to dismiss Nurse Sexy Hair’s comment.* So anyways, a patient in the morgue was apparently still alive---he “died” of some cardiac something or other. And when Evil British Doctor brought the interns to the morgue, they found the guy banging to get out of those metal drawer thingys. And they just left him in there, he suffocated.

*Gossipy Nurse smiles and takes a big gulp of his coffee. Hungry Nurse is stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. He moves to grab the donut from Apathetic Nurse’s plate.*

Apathetic Nurse: Riveting story. *Frowns and slaps Hungry Nurse’s hand away from her donut.*

Gossipy Nurse: I know, right! I think this coffee is stale. 

*Puts the mug down.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: I made the coffee, and it tastes fine. Dr. Handsome Face thinks I make great coffee. *Flips her hair.* He’s definitely going to ask me out. Oh look, he just sent me a flirty text. It says, ‘Hi.’ And then a winky face emoji.

Gossipy Nurse: Ooo, sparks are flying! Tell me everything.

Apathetic Nurse: No one cares about your love life.

Gossipy Nurse: Then let’s talk about your love life Apathetic Nurse.

Hungry Nurse: I don’t think she has a love life, I don’t think you love anything.

Apathetic Nurse: I can talk for myself!....I love naps and days off.

*The door to the nurses’ break room flies open and Panicked Intern is standing in the doorway holding a dripping IV in one hand and dragging a patient on a gurney behind him.*

Panicked Intern: I—I---I can’t do it! *Starts crying loudly.* I can’t get the thing in the guy----*Points the IV at the sleeping patient on the gurney.* I’m the worse intern EVER. They’re gonna kick me out----

*Apathetic Nurse gets up to help, she shows him how to place the IV in the patient.*

Apathetic Nurse: Save the waterworks kid, I left my umbrella at home.

Panicked Intern: You---*sniffle* you saved me again Apathetic Nurse. You’re a beautiful angel.

Apathetic Nurse: What?

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse walks into the room behind Panicked Intern.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: What’s this intern doing here? Get out! Scat, shoo--- *She forces Panicked Intern out and slams the door.* And what are you all doing in here? We have patients to care for! People to save, get out there, chop, chop. *Claps her hands.*

*The nurses groan and reluctantly get up. Hungry Nurse snatches the last donut before Gossipy Nurse can take it.*

Gossipy Nurse: Soooo Apathetic Nurse, you and Panicked Intern? Hmm, he’s not terrible-looking. You need me to spread the word so the other interns don’t try to steal your guy?

Apathetic Nurse: Gross, no. I don’t want him. He looks like he’s ready to fall apart any second, he couldn’t handle me.

Gossipy Nurse: But can you handle him? *Winks.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: He’s kinda cute, in a zombie-looking kind of way. *Giggles and flips her hair.* Ooo, Dr. Handsome Face texted me again, he says ‘I can’t find my patient’s chart, help me look for it?’ then there’s a sad face emoji---what do you think that means?

Apathetic Nurse: I think it means he lost the chart.