Every Medical Show, Episode Seven: A Wild Ride

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which Dr. Handsome Face goes too far.

Average City Hospital is facing a budget crisis. Hospital attendance is down and the staff is throwing money out the window (literally---the hospital lost almost $3,000 at the money rain party last week). Hungry Nurse can’t stop stealing cans of peas from the cafeteria, the interns are addicted to taking “free” scrubs home every Friday for tent night, and Evil British Doctor will never pass up an opportunity to borrow expensive hospital equipment for his midnight experiments. Hospital administration is cracking down on the staff, but no one can predict when Dr. Handsome Face will take an ambulance out for a joyride….

Dr. Handsome Face: Where am I? Ugh….my head feels like someone ran a chainsaw through it.

*Dr. Handsome Face shakes his head slowly and looks around. He’s sitting in the driver’s seat of an ambulance, the front end of it teeters on the edge of a cliff. Six-Pack Abs EMT wakes up from a nap he was taking in the front passenger seat.*

Six-Pack Abs EMT: I doubt that. I was on a call once where that actually happened---poor idiot cut through his own brain trying to chop off a branch. He had great abs though, wish I could’ve asked about his workout routine. *Yawns and stretches.* What’re you doing here?

Dr. Handsome Face: I don’t know---I…last thing I remember was having a beer at the bar near the hospital. I promised that I’d only have one beer this time, I’ve been really good, haven’t had a single drink in…a week maybe.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: I’m guessing you had more than one beer?

Dr. Handsome Face: Dang it! I must have gone over my designated limit---I only steal ambulances when I’m really far gone. I was sure I brought Panicked Intern with me to the bar though, he was supposed to stop me. Now I’ll have start my cleanse all over again.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: You need some tips? I’m great at cleanses---I get all my best cleanse tips from Beyonce, she’s the queen of cleanses---and feminism.

Panicked Intern: I was at the bar with you Dr. Handsome Face! 

*Six-Pack Abs EMT and Dr. Handsome Face turn around to see Panicked Intern strapped to the stretcher in the back of the ambulance.*

Dr. Handsome Face: There you are! I told you to stop me after one beer.

Panicked Intern: *Crying softly.* You promised me a fun evening at the bar. You said ‘just one beer kid.’ You promised to be my mentor----I trusted you! You went crazy---I couldn’t stop you. Then you kidnapped me and strapped me back here!

Dr. Handsome Face: Hmm….how crazy did I get?

*Panicked Intern just keeps crying. The ambulance radio crackles, B.B. EMT shouts through the radio.*

B.B. EMT: 29 Terry ambulance come in, you better answer me this time! Over.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: 29 Terry ambulance speaking, what can I do you for? Over. Also, who is this? Over.

B.B. EMT: It’s me Six-Pack Abs! Don’t you even recognize your on-again, off-again girlfriend’s voice? Guess all that stuff you said about true love was a lie----

Six-Pack Abs EMT: No, no, it’s all true B.B. EMT, I do love you, you’re so beautiful, and, and----

B.B. EMT: That’s it? You love me because I’m pretty?

Dr. Handsome Face: Um, excuse me, don’t mean to interrupt this lovers’ quarrel, but we’re kinda in a situation B.B. EMT, the ambulance is on the edge of a cliff, so, um, help us? You’re the emergency expert and everything. *Laughs awkwardly.*

B.B. EMT: Shut up you bourgeois pig! We EMTs will not give way to the tyranny of doctors!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Yea! What she said---

B.B. EMT: You have no idea what that means. Over.

Panicked Intern: Someone let me out! I have to pee!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: No…but it sounds smart. And I love you B.B. EMT because you’re like Beyonce---powerful and beautiful *sniffles* and full of heart. Over.

B.B. EMT: Really? Over.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Yes, you really do look like Beyonce. Over.

B.B. EMT: *Huffs loudly over the radio.* Seriously? I’m just a stand-in for Beyonce? I don’t get your weird obsession with her. Over.

Panicked Intern: Dr. Handsome Face? Get me OUT!! *Sobbing.* I have reoccurring nightmares about being strapped to a table---like I’m a cadaver in med school---and I can’t get out. And tonight….my nightmare came true---I need to talk to my therapist. *Struggles to get out of the stretcher, rocking the ambulance.*

B.B. EMT: What’s that noise?...Over.

Dr. Handsome Face: Just some whiny kid.

Panicked Intern: I can hear you! 

*Panicked Intern wiggles against the restraints and overturns the stretcher. The ambulance tips further forward.*

Dr. Handsome Face: *Shouting into the radio.* Ummm…..We’re falling into a canyon----or something. Help!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: You got us here, can’t you just drive out? Just reverse it.

Dr. Handsome Face: That was confident me driving the ambulance, regular me can’t drive this. There’s too many buttons.

Panicked Intern: *Muffled.* What! We’re gonna die aren’t we.

Dr. Handsome Face: *To Six-Pack Abs EMT.* You’re the EMT, drive us out.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Oh I don’t know how to drive this.

Panicked Intern: What!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: B.B. EMT does all the driving.

Dr. Handsome Face: She the boss of you or something? Humpf.

B.B. EMT: Hey, I’m still hearing you all---especially you dummy doctor. And Six-Pack Abs gets too distracted looking at himself in the rear view mirror to drive right.

*Panicked Intern screams and the ambulance shakes again.*

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Okay, if we can’t drive out, we’ll just bailout. *Six-Pack Abs EMT crawls into the back space and opens the back door.* Come on Dr. Handsome Face.

*Dr. Handsome Face follows Six-Pack Abs EMT out the back door. Panicked Intern is still struggling to get out of the overturned stretcher.*

Panicked Intern: Wait! What about me?

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Oh, yea. I guess we should take him.

*Six-Pack Abs EMT and Dr. Handsome Face drag the stretcher out and throw it on the ground. The ambulance tips over the cliff edge and falls into the forest below.*

Dr. Handsome Face: Well that was close.

Panicked Intern: *Muffled.* You think? Let me out.

*The ambulance radio crackles again and B.B. EMT talks to the empty ambulance.*

B.B. EMT: Hello? What was that? Six-Pack Abs? Are you okay?...Please be alive Six-Pack Abs…..I’m sorry about what I said about Beyonce….Six-Pack Abs! I love you! Over.