Every Medical Show, Episode Four: Three-Car Pileup

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which Dr. Handsome Face, Dr. Cheesehead, and Panicked Intern get locked in a closet.

It’s a beautiful day at Average City Hospital, nurses scurry through the crowded halls, doctors rush to and fro, family members of patients waddle around confused, cleaning staff glare at all the feet scuffing the shiny tile floors. A big basket of chocolate muffins left for some lucky patient gets eaten up by Hungry Nurse, trying to be discreet and failing as he shovels fat muffins into his pink scrubs. The Hospital Intercom crackles and a pleasant female voice echoes through the halls….

Pleasant Intercom Voice: Three-car pileup reported off of Highway 29, crash victims incoming. Paging Dr. Cheesehead to the ER, stat. And stat means stat, Dr. Cheesehead, please consume all cheese-derived products before scrubbing in. Also paging Dr. Handsome Face to the ER, we need your good lucks and lackluster charm to calm the victims’ families. I repeat, paging Dr. Cheesehead and Dr. Handsome Face to the ER.

Dr. Cheesehead: Carry this cheese for me Panicked Intern, it cannot be allowed to cool---it tastes best when it’s warmed by human contact.

*Dr. Cheesehead hands Panicked Intern a huge wedge of white cheese as they walk down a hallway.*

Panicked Intern: *Twitches and almost drops the cheese.* Uhmm---but aren’t you going into surgery Dr. Cheesehead? I thought food wasn't allowed in the Operating Room.

Dr. Cheesehead: That’s why you’re holding my cheese. Isn’t that right my little cheesy? *Bends down to poke the cheese wedge.*

Panicked Intern: But…but…but…you said I could assist in the surgery. *His hands twitch.*

*Dr. Handsome Face appears next to Panicked Intern and Dr. Cheesehead.*

Dr. Handsome Face: I don’t think your hands are steady enough to drive a car, let alone slice someone open.

Dr. Cheesehead: You’re one to talk Dr. Handsome Face, how many drinks did you have before you came in today?

Dr. Handsome Face: I had coffee…..

Dr. Cheesehead: Any special additions to that coffee? Oh---wait a second, I should bandage my cheese in case shaky hands here drops my darling little cheesy.

Dr. Handsome Face: Seriously? Don’t you have a cooler for that? I know you do.

Dr. Cheesehead: It’ll be a second. Give you a chance to sober up.

Dr. Handsome Face: I am sober…mostly.

*Dr. Cheesehead, Dr. Handsome Face, and Panicked Intern stop at a supply closet. Dr. Cheesehead pulls some gauze from one of the containers in the closet and begins wrapping the cheese. As the three of them stand in the closet another hospital intern walks by outside….*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Hmm, this closet is a safety hazard, I should close it. *He closes the closet and locks it without looking inside.* I wonder what’s for lunch, maybe today’s the day Incompetent Intern and Overachiever Intern will finally invite me to their table to eat with them. I can’t wait to become friends with them, they finally stopped locking me in the bathroom, so that’s progress. 

*Awkward Dorky Intern walks away whistling a song. A gurney runs over his feet.*

Panicked Intern: Did someone just close the door? Why is the door closed? Is it locked? *Tries opening the door.* It’s locked, how is it locked? Why can’t you open it from the inside, that’s stupid, what if someone wanted to GET OUT. 

*Panicked Intern holds his chest and starts breathing too heavily.*

Dr. Handsome Face: It’s not locked, *tries the door.* It’s locked.

Dr. Cheesehead: I can’t get locked in, my cheese will get overheated in this small space. This is your fault Panicked Intern, you’re supposed to watch the door.

Panicked Intern: I didn’t know that, you never told me to---

Dr. Cheesehead: Everyone knows this supply closet only opens from the outside! My cheese needs to be at a perfect temperature or it’ll start melting.

Panicked Intern: I’ve only been here six months, how was I supposed to know that? I’m sorry, please don’t yell at me. My blood pressure will go up if I’m stressed. Is this closet heated? I’m burning up. It’s so small in here. *Sits down on a box.* I can’t breathe. *Starts hyperventilating.*

Dr. Handsome Face: That’s some intern you have there Dr. Cheesehead. Could I borrow him for a day? I want to use him as a distraction---there’s this nurse that keeps hugging me every time I have a breakdown and she messes up my perfectly gelled hair. *Runs a hand through his hair.* Maybe she’ll focus on this nervous little intern and leave me alone for a while. I mean—I know no one can resist my good looks, but seriously---Nurse Sexy Hair needs to lay off the hugging.

Dr. Cheesehead: He’s my intern, Dr. Handsome Face. I need him to protect my cheese. And maybe if you stopped crying every day she’d stop hugging you---and no one can resist your handsome face Dr. Handsome Face.

Dr. Handsome Face: My good looks are a burden, I know, but she’s weirdly obsessed with my hair.

Panicked Intern: *Tapping his phone.* There’s no service in this closet. Can’t you call someone Dr. Cheesehead? Dr. Handsome Face? I think I’m having a panic attack.

Dr. Cheesehead: My phone is supposed to be warming the cheese, you can’t use it. Didn’t you have a panic attack this morning? Stop eating my cheese Panicked Intern!

Panicked Intern: *Mouth full of cheese.* I’m a stress-eater.

Dr. Handsome Face: Okay, I’m texting Nurse Sexy Hair right now—what should I say?

Panicked Intern: Tell her to let us out! *Eats more cheese.*

Dr. Handsome Face: I think I’ll just say ‘hey, what’s up?’ It’s casual, but flirty too.

Dr. Cheesehead: My cheese!!! Stop it Panicked Intern---

*Dr. Cheesehead tries prying the cheese from Panicked Intern’s arms and the cheese flies out of their grasp. The closet opens and the cheese hits the nurse at the door in the face.*

Apathetic Nurse: I knew I should've stayed in bed today.

Panicked Intern: *Mouth full of cheese.* Thadnked youd! You’rde my savdyour! *Hugs Apathetic Nurse.*

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t touch me intern---

Pleasant Intercom Voice: Paging Dr. Cheesehead and Dr. Handsome Face to the ER, the three-car pileup victims are waiting patiently for your expert expertise. Also, there are muffins in the on-call room.

Dr. Handsome Face: Thanks Apathetic Nurse, you always know how to help.

Apathetic Nurse: My pleasure.

Panicked Intern: My undying devotion is yours Apathetic Nurse. *Kisses her hand.*

Apathetic Nurse: I regret everything.