Every Medical Show, Episode Fifteen: Dance Party

In which Dr. Ponytail throws a party

Dr. Ponytail was a new doctor at Average City Hospital. He specialized in some complicated and rare disease that no one could pronounce, but the hospital staff were more enchanted with Dr. Ponytail’s luscious locks than they were with his fancy knowledge. While his face wasn’t much to look at, his shiny mane of chestnut-colored hair was the envy of everyone in the hospital. But besides his hair, Dr. Ponytail was a devoted party animal. “Anytime is party time,” he claimed, and one’s sour mood could get Dr. Ponytail down. And he was determined to make his new colleagues toe the party line…

Awkward Dorky Intern: Good morning Dr. Handsome Face.

Dr. Handsome Face: Gwwwrrr. What’s good about it?

Awkward Dorky Intern: Um, well, I don’t know. The sun is….well it was shining.

Dr. Handsome Face: Please stop talking, I have a massive headache. Late night.

Awkward Dorky Intern: You worked a late shift last night? I was working too, I didn’t see you, were you on this floor?

Dr. Handsome Face: Just stop talking Awkward Dorky Intern---just stop. *Holds a hand to his head and leans on a counter.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Talking to himself* You’re so stupid Awkward Dorky Intern, if you’d just stop blurting out whatever you’re thinking someone in this place might actually let you eat lunch with them. Stupid…so stupid. *His lip quivers.*

Dr. Ponytail: Hey party animals! What’s the haps?

*No one responds.*

Dr. Ponytail: Why the gloomy expressions fellow doctors? Someone break the coffee machine again?

*No one answers. Awkward Dorky Intern starts to cry.*

Dr. Ponytail: We can’t have this gloomy atmosphere, this mood will be rectified with….a party! We will feast, we will dance, we will drink----

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse comes from around a corner and gives him an angry look.*

Dr. Ponytail: We will drink---apple juice, or cranberry, if that is to your liking. *Jumps onto a counter in the hallway and claps his hands.* Doctors and nurses, inmates and interns---prepare yourselves for a tsunami of fun. Let the party begin! Hit it!

*Dr. Ponytail pulls out his phone and presses a button on it. Loud dance music emanates from his phone and the hospital speakers. He presses another button on the phone and the hospital lights lower and neon green lights light up the hallway walls. Dr. Ponytail jumps off the counter.*

Dr. Ponytail: I declare….a PARTY! *Dr. Ponytail begins dancing enthusiastically.*

*Patients, nurses, and doctors begin to dance reluctantly to the deafening club music. Someone puts out trays of jello and pudding packs. Tiny cups of juice appear on the counter of the nurses’ station and patients throw snacks from their gift baskets next to the juice cups: little fancy cheeses, chocolates wrapped in shiny paper, crackers, pears and chocolate-covered pretzels, assorted nuts, and jars of spicy mustard.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Where did all this food come from? Who’s paying for this party? Who gave the authorization for this party----*A patient grabs the clipboard from her hand and runs off with it, cackling.* Give that back! Sir! Where are your clothes?

Naked Crazy Patient: Haha, try and catch me you old windbag!

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Old? I am not the one needing an adult diaper and 12 different medications---get back here with my clipboard! Naked Crazy Patient, I am warning you, do not get on my bad side. No, no, that is not for playing Frisbee! *Huffs and puffs as she follow him.

*Naked Crazy Patient throws the clipboard and it hits Awkward Dorky Intern.*

Naked Crazy Patient: For the llamas!

*Naked Crazy Patient grabs the clipboard again and disappears around the corner cackling. Hard-Ass Head Nurse chases after him.*

*Meanwhile….at the nurses’ station, loud dance music blares. Gossipy Nurse walks up to the group at the station carrying a tray of tiny cups.*

Gossipy Nurse: Okay, I raided the fridge and got drinks for everyone. *He hands cups to everyone.* Drink up, if you dare!

Apathetic Nurse: What’s in this? Did you put something in it? *Sniffs drink suspiciously.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: This apple juice is very interesting, it’s such a unique shade of yellow. 

*Gulps down the whole cup.* Ahhh, refreshing.

Overachiever Intern: Idiot, it’s pee.

*Awkward Dorky Intern spray spits the pee all over the table, everyone groans and scatters except for Cute Quirky Intern who’s not fast enough.*

Cute Quirky Intern: EWWWWW! It’s in my eyes! Ew, ew, ew! *She flees down the hallway.*

Gossipy Nurse: Haha! I gotta tell everybody about this, hashtag pee prank!

*Cute Quirky Intern runs down the hallway straight into a big patch of red balloons. She trips and gets tangled up in the balloon strings. Suddenly, balloons begin popping around her.*

Evil British Doctor: Grrrrr! I rip apart the flesh of my enemies, I terrify the tiny tots, I frighten the fools that call themselves patients, I am a vamp--- *He bites into a balloon.*

Cute Quirky Intern: What are you doing?

Evil British Doctor: I’m partying---what’s it look like I’m doing?

Cute Quirky Intern: Eating a balloon.

Evil British Doctor: Leave this place at once intern! We are about to begin a drinking game---doctors only.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, okay. *Continues to stare at Evil British Doctor.*

Evil British Doctor: Well?

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, yea. I’m leaving now. Have fun!

Evil British Doctor: I am a vamp---doctor. We are deadly serious about our work, we do not believe in…in fun! *He grimaces.*

Dr. Ponytail: Did someone say FUN? *Dr. Ponytail leaps out from behind a plant.* Are you all having fun yet? Because I sure am. Music, dancing, food and drinks, and balloons—it’s not a party without balloons!

Cute Quirky Intern: And chocolate, and great conversation!

Dr. Ponytail: Wait a second there intern, save the boring convos for the break room. Parties are not for deep intellectual discussion, but for mindless fun, and especially, for DANCE.

*Dr. Ponytail grabs Evil British Doctor and Cute Quirky Intern and forces them to dance together. He shakes out his ponytail and cranks up the music. More people appear in the hallway and start dancing.*

Evil British Doctor: Ugh! Do not touch me peasant intern! *He tries to shake off Cute Quirky Intern but it’s too crowded for them to separate.*Get off me! Why are your hands sticky?

Cute Quirky Intern: It’s just chocolate. Do you want some?

Evil British Doctor: *Shouting over the noise.* No! And will this infernal music never end?

Cute Quirky Intern: Dancing is fun. And you’re a pretty good dancer by the way.

Evil British Doctor: You call this dancing?

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse barrels through the crowded hallway, knocking everyone against the wall as she chases down Naked Crazy Patient who still has her clipboard.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Halt! Stop, thief! Come back here you crazy patient!

*The crowds cheers for Naked Crazy Patient.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Do not cheer for him. Next person who cheers for this patient will be…I will severely punish that person. And this wild debauchery, is over. *She turns the music off. The crowd boos.*

Dr. Ponytail: Please don’t stop the music.

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: This is a hospital, not a disco. I’m telling the board about this.

Dr. Ponytail: Are you citing me for a party infraction? *He flips his hair.* You cannot stop the party in my heart! You will not crush my party spirit!

*The crowd breaks up and the hospital orderlies begins sweeping up paper cups and confetti. Evil British Doctor breaks away from Cute Quirky Intern.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Bye! It was fun dancing with you! Who knew Evil British Doctor was such a great dancer, maybe I’ll ask him to be on my dance team for the talent show….we’ll perform the Chocolate Cha-Cha.

Naked Crazy Patient: I’m a llama!

Bedside Manor: Hot Cocoa Cabinet

Bedside Manor

The sun is setting, night draws nigh and bed beckons. You long for sleep for rest will not come, for many cares chase away your dreams. Tossing and turning, watching the clock…the night passes and sleep never shows. If Insomnia blocks your way to Dreamland, then take a visit to the place where dreams come true, where no nightmares lurk, where no worries steal sleep, take a trip to….Bedside Manor.

Hot Cocoa Cabinet

The entryway to Bedside Manor is empty, except for a narrow wooden table beside the door. The floor is made up of rough tiles that lead down a long hallway; antique tin lanterns
covered in fanciful patterns dangle overhead to light your way. You walk slowly along the hall, one hand touching the rustic stone walls as you walk. Your feet shuffling across the stones hardly make a sound.

You begin to hear the murmur of other voices. Laughter, quiet talking. And you smell something delicious, chocolate. 

Just around the corner, and down a set of three stone steps, there’s a kitchen. Probably the biggest one you’ve ever seen. All the walls and floors are made up of rustic gray stones, giving the whole space a warm, inviting feeling. Cabinets cover the top half of every wall in the room, except for one wall that’s taken up by an enormous fireplace. Seven people could easily stand inside it. A roaring fire inside the fireplace warms the whole kitchen. 

In the center of the room rests a giant square table. People in pajamas and fuzzy robes sit at stools around the table, laughing, talking, and drinking from big mugs of sweet-smelling cocoa. Behind the table is a set of double glass doors that lead out onto a deck where other people stand, drinking from mugs and admiring the night sky. You feel comforted by the peace in the room, and by the warmth emanating from the stone floor. 

And then you see the hot cocoa.

Or rather, you smell it. The scent of rich, melted chocolate fills your nostrils along with other delectable aromas; cinnamon, coffee, and warm apple. A tower of copper mugs rest on the end of one of the kitchen counters and beside it are three steaming pitchers. You watch other people pour hot cocoa into their mugs from the pitchers. You hang back though, feeling suddenly unsure.

“Go ahead. Get some cocoa.” Someone nudges your shoulder and points at the counter. “It’s delicious, and you can add stuff to your cocoa too.”

You nod at the person and walk up to the counter. All this sugar and chocolate before bed? Maybe this isn’t a good idea. Your hand hovers over a mug for a minute, but you grab the mug before you can talk yourself out of it.

The steam from the cocoa warms your face as you pour it from the pitcher. Your mouth waters just smelling the cocoa, but before you take a sip, you notice rows and rows of big shallow glass jars filled with all sorts of delicious goodies to top your cocoa with. 

Fat, square marshmallows, baby marshmallows, white chocolate chips, dark chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, peanut butter chips, flakes of coconut, cinnamon, crumbled graham crackers, walnuts, and chopped almonds, crumbled buttery waffles, rice krispie cereal, and pieces of gingerbread cookies, even little cherries. Peppermint sticks and cinnamon sticks stand in little jars beside the rows of treats. And at the very center of all the goodies is a big bowl of whipped cream, tiny metal pitchers full of hot caramel, maple syrup, and mocha fudge syrup sit next to the whipped cream.

Your eyes take in the enormous array of toppings; you grip the copper mug to warm your hands as you walk down the counter, trying to decide what to get. You finally settle on a few sweet treats and top your mug to the brim. There’s an open seat at the table and you carefully settle yourself on one of the stools. You take a sip of the cocoa, whipped cream tickling your nose. The chocolate is rich and thick; the taste makes the best chocolate you’ve ever had seem bland and forgettable. A delicious warm feeling fills your stomach and you smile. 

A big plate of cookies in the center of the table catches your eye; doughy sugar cookies, and chocolate chip ones with half-melted chocolate, colorful frosted cookies, and spicy-smelling gingerbread. You grab one and dip it into your cocoa.

“Hey.” A friend taps you gently on the shoulder, “there’s shooting stars out tonight. Come outside and see.”

Carefully, you balance your cookie on the edge of the mug and follow. The deck outside is crowded with other people standing around in fuzzy robes and pajamas, all staring up at the star-filled sky above. White streaks dash across the night-blue sky, tiny falling stars racing to touch the earth.

“Falling stars, make a wish!” Someone says, pointing up at the sky.

You know that they’re not falling stars. You know that it’s just a meteor shower, nothing more extraordinary than ordinary space debris passing through Earth’s atmosphere. You know that making a wish on a lump of rock is silly. But you shut out those thoughts for once. You let the magic of the night sky, the hot cocoa, the feeling of comfort, and warmth rub away the worries. You take a long sip from your cocoa, tilt your head to the sky, and make a wish.

Bedside Manor: Journey to Bedside Manor

Bedside Manor

The sun is setting, night draws nigh and bed beckons. You long for sleep for rest will not come, for many cares chase away your dreams. Tossing and turning, watching the clock…the night passes and sleep never shows. If Insomnia blocks your way to Dreamland, then take a visit to the place where dreams come true, where no nightmares lurk, where no worries steal sleep, take a trip to….Bedside Manor.

Journey to Bedside Manor 

It’s very dark outside your window. The streetlamp that usually illuminates the road outside your house flickers and dies. Your room is plunged into blackness, your eyes strain to see. It’s so dark. If only just a little light would show, then perhaps you could sleep. Perhaps the tiny glow from that battery charger can light the way to your rest. Perhaps.

But it’s so dark. And you’re so tired that you can’t sleep. Awake and worried. You shut your eyes and try to dream.

There.

In the darkness of your wandering mind you see something. 

A sign. 

You’re on an empty dirt road in a big open field. Overhead is a full moon that casts the whole country in silver light. Just ahead you see a large wooden sign, you approach the sign slowly to read it. In curly shimmering script it reads, ‘Bedside Manor. Rest for every weary traveler. Shut eye guaranteed.’

Hmm.

You’ve heard a lot of shut eye promises in your time. Potions and pills, deep breathing and soft pillows, nightlights and no lights, tech off and slow books, warm milk and crackers, white noise and dark curtains. All have been tried and all have failed. Bedside Manor is just another broken guarantee.

But you’re so tired, you’re desperate for rest. What’s the harm in trying?

So you set off down the quiet road. The sound of crickets leading the way. You pass other signs, ‘Bedside Manor, this way,’ and ‘Bedside Manor around this bend.’ You walk faster now, eager to see this place, you hurry around a giant oak tree and pass through a thick stand of trees, the overhanging branches block out the night sky and for a few minutes it’s utterly dark. Under the cover of the trees you lose your nerve, you walk slower, straining to hear through the silence.

But then, a glimmer of light. You spy the yellow glow of candles through the woods. After a moment you emerge from the trees. At the edge of the road you spy one final sign. ‘Hot cocoa for visitors, Bedside Manor, just ahead.’ 

You walk up a straight path towards an enormous house---more of a grand manor than a simple house. The place is a big rectangle, two rows of evenly-space windows cover the front side of the manor house, and in the very center of the lower story, is a huge arched door. 

Along the path leading to the house are enormous trees, soft grass moss hanging from their branches give the place an eerie, sleepy feel. You begin to feel tired as you walk up the stone steps to the grand front entrance.

Timidly, you raise a fist and knock. Your hand barely makes a sound against the solid mass of the door. Just at your eye level you see tiny words carved into the wood, ‘Door open. Come inside and leave your cares behind.’

You turn the doorknob and the door creaks open, the sound echoes inside the massive house. Quickly you come in and shut the door behind you. Just inside the entryway is a fuzzy robe hanging on a hook and a pair of slippers beneath it. There’s a note attached to the robe, ‘put on the robe and the slippers and join everyone in the kitchen, we’re keeping the cocoa warm for you.’

The slippers are a perfect fit. The robe is in your favorite color. You sigh deeply and smile. Maybe you can fall asleep tonight after all.

Every Medical Show, Episode Fourteen: Bagel Boy

In which a hot boy toy provides the hospital staff with a welcome distraction.

The doctors at Average City Hospital believe in trusting their interns with important work, especially if the doctors don’t feel like doing it themselves. After all, that’s what interns are for….

Dr. Cheesehead: Are you ready?

Panicked Intern: No.

*Dr. Cheesehead sighs.*

Dr. Cheesehead: You can do this Panicked Intern. You just have to make the first…and second incision on the patient. Just, breathe----think about relaxing things, like…. cheese.

Panicked Intern: Cheese gives me a stomachache. This is making me more nervous.

Hungry Nurse: Oh my goodness just make the incision kid. I wanna get out of here, I’m starving.

Panicked Intern: Okay, okay. *Takes a deep breathe.* I can do this. I can do this.

Dr. Cheesehead: *Whispering to Hungry Nurse* I don’t think he can do this.

*Hungry Nurse freezes and stares at the door. He pulls off his surgical mask and sniffs the air.*

Hungry Nurse: I smell…..*walks to the door and sniffs* I smell bagels. Delicious…doughy bagels-----

*Hungry Nurse runs out of the operating room and into the hallway, searching for the bagels.*

Dr. Cheesehead: *Calling after Hungry Nurse* Hey! Wait! *Looks between the patient and the open door as if debating what to do.* There might be asiago cheese bagels…I’ll be right back---just, hold on. *Runs out of the operating room, leaving Panicked Intern alone.*

Cheese baked into a bagel--how could Dr. Cheesehead pass that up?

Panicked Intern: Uhhhhh, where could you possibly be going? Don’t leave me! *His arm holds the scalpel poised above the patient, his hand is shaking. Sweat pours down his forhead.* You can do this Panicked Intern. Positive affirmations----I am not nervous. I am powerful and confident---no, no I’m not, I’m a mess. I can’t do this. Help!!!

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the operating room, the nurses are spying on a newcomer to the hospital….

Nurse Sexy Hair: Oooh, I really like the new bagel delivery boy. He has amazing hair. *Twirls her hair* What’s his name again?

Apathetic Nurse: It’s on his name tag.

Nurse Sexy Hair: *Reading the name tag* Bay-gel Boy. Oooh, mysterious. How come we don’t get name tags?

Apathetic Nurse: Because we hate labels. Remember? *Looks up from her magazine.* Bagel Boy is pretty….decent-looking though. I wouldn’t mind a bite of that. *Snaps her fingers in the air.* Hey, Bagel Boy! Yes, you, with the hair.

Hungry Nurse: *Running up behind the nurses* I smelled bagels. Where’s the bagels?

*Bagel Boy walks up to the nurses pushing a cart loaded with bagels, butter, and cream cheese.*

Bagel Boy: You rang?

*Nurse Sexy Hair and Apathetic Nurse give Bagel Boy a long, 

admiring stare. Hungry Nurse stares at the bagels.*

Bagel Boy: You guys want a bagel or what? I got butter melting here. Not that I care. Butter ruins the integrity of the bagel experience. And cream cheese----don’t even get me started on that abomination of a topping-----

Hungry Nurse: I’ll take-----three, no, five---wait----ten bagels please.

Bagel Boy: What kind you want? Actually----no, I will choose for you. You look like a man who appreciates the complexity and range of the bagel medium, a man who does not allow fickle foodie trends to sway his taste buds. *Begins carefully selecting bagels and putting them in a box.*

Hungry Nurse: Sure, whatever. Just gimme the bagels. *Rubs his hands together in anticipation.*

*Hungry Nurse pays for the bagels and Bagel Boy hands him the bagel box. Hungry Nurse grabs it and runs off.*

Bagel Boy: Did you ladies wish to purchase a delectable bagel? The poppyseed ones are particularly good today.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Wow, that was soooo hot.

*Apathetic Nurse glares at Nurse Sexy Hair.*

Bagel Boy: Unfortunately, these bagels are no longer hot. But toasting them may provide the experience you’re looking for.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Ooooh, that’s hot. Don’t you think bagels are just…so….sexy? *Smiles at Bagel Boy.*

Bagel Boy: They do have a certain attractiveness to them. Probably because they are circular. Humans are drawn to organic forms, and the circle holds great significance in many cultures. It symbolizes the cycle of life, time, the eternalness of the soul-----

Apathetic Nurse: She hates bagels. She thinks bagels are just bald donuts. *Smirks.*

Bagels' better cousin

*Bagel Boy gasps dramatically and looks horrified.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: What? No! That’s not true. *Whispering 

to Apathetic Nurse.* Why would you tell him that? I told you that in confidence---he’s hot and you’re ruining this.

Apathetic Nurse: That’s what you get for leaving me with that Disoriented Patient that day in the ER. I said you’d pay for it, you can’t get away with everything just cuz you’re pretty-----

Nurse Sexy Hair: Uh! Well, obviously, I misjudged our friendship. I thought-----uh, we are so over Apathetic Nurse. *Flips her hair and stalks off.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Turns back to Bagel Boy.* So you were saying?

Bagel Boy: What just happened------

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t mind her, she’s probably looking for some hair products. Tell me more about the bagels. *Smiles flirtatiously.*

Bagel Boy: Well-----

Panicked Intern peeks his head out of the operating room door and watches the exchange between Bagel Boy and Apathetic Nurse. Jealousy burns in his heart, he grips the scalpel in one hand.

Panicked Intern: How dare you---you---you interloper, trying to steal away my beautiful nurse. This is war Bagel Boy, prepare for battle….

Every Medical Show, Episode Thirteen: Room 313

Previously on Every Medical Show…the night shift staff played truth or dare, and one unlucky intern had to walk the haunted hallway on the third floor...

Average City Hospital opened on July 2, 1955. It wasn’t a spectacular place (still isn’t), but it saved lives and had decent food and okay staff. It quickly gained the reputation of being a thoroughly average facility, there was nothing extraordinary about the place. One fateful day in November of 1989 changed that forever. According to legend, a man came to the hospital complaining of intense pain. His body was covered with raised spots that he couldn’t stop itching. Fevers and cold sweats left the man delirious. Doctors were shocked to discover that the man had smallpox, a disease modern medicine had wiped out decades earlier. Fearing an epidemic, the staff isolated the smallpox patient in room 313; the patient died three days later in his empty room. Strange things starting happening in room 313 after the man’s death. Patients who slept there said they saw a man sitting at the foot of their bed. Nurses working in the room described a shadowy figure with smallpox scars on his arms; other patients on the floor heard crying coming from the empty room at night. Hospital staff avoided the room, terrified of the patient’s ghost....

Gossipy Nurse: And that’s the tale of the ghost of room 313…..spooky right?

Apathetic Nurse: It sounds like a load of----

Nurse Sexy Hair: Candy?

Panicked Intern: Sleeping pills?

Apathetic Nurse: I was going to say that *makes air quotes 

motion with her hands* this ghost story is total b----

Dr. Handsome Face: There’s no proof of that story! Smallpox? Come on. I’ve never seen any record of a smallpox patient being admitted to Average City Hospital.

Gossipy Nurse: And you’ve read all the hospital records? On your off time you just sit and read thousands of records? You have no other hobbies….

Dr. Handsome Face: Well I, I keep busy during my down time---

Apathetic Nurse: I bet you are---*pretends to drink from a glass*. But what I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted, is that I have never seen a single photo, or whatever, of a ghost in that room, that story is complete cr-----

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Why is everyone standing around the nurses’ station? What’s happening here?

Panicked Intern: Uhhhhhh

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Anyone still standing here in the next ten seconds will have a penalty on their employee file!

*No one moves.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Anyone still standing here in the next ten seconds has to work the night shift tomorrow.

*Everyone scatters, leaving Hard-Ass Head Nurse alone at the nurses’ station.*

Meanwhile, Cute Quirky Intern walks through the third floor’s haunted hallway, timidly approaching room 313 at the end of the wing…..

Spooky hallway....

Cute Quirky Intern: *Muttering to herself.* I’m not afraid of ghosts. I’m not afraid of ghosts. There’s no such thing as ghosts. They’re just….misty, light...things. Let’s think about nice things. Like, chocolate. And daisies. Or chocolate daisies. Mmm, that sounds delicious-----

*A loud bang startles Cute Quirky Intern. A door opens at the end of the hall and red light spills out from the room. A voice from inside the room speaks and she recognizes the sound of Evil British Doctor’s voice.*

Evil British Doctor: Nurse, get the saw.

Frightened Patient: No. Please.

Evil British Doctor: Restrain the patient!

*Cute Quirky Intern rushes to the open door. Inside the room she sees Evil British Doctor leaning over a patient. A flash of lightening illuminates the room and Cute Quirky Intern sees a long needle in Evil British Doctor’s hand.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Stop! What are you doing Evil British Doctor?

Evil British Doctor: You’re not the nurse. Get out.

Cute Quirky Intern: Not until you put the needle down!

Evil British Doctor: I am a vampire---- a doctor. I don’t need to answer to an intern.

*Cute Quirky Intern continues standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.*

Evil British Doctor: There’s chocolate outside.

Cute Quirky Intern: What? Where? *Looks around in the hallway.*

*Evil British Doctor slams the door in her face. His evil cackle emanates from inside the patient’s room.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Hey! *Kicks the door, then gives up and continues along the hallway.* I wonder where the chocolate is-----

*An elderly patient runs out a room waving his arms and screaming. The back of his hospital gown is flapping open. Cute Quirky Intern jumps out of his way.*

Naked Crazy Patient: I’m on the moon!

Cute Quirky Intern: Uh, okay.

Naked Crazy Patient: Moon dirt tastes like pie.

Yummy moon dirt pie.

*A nurse appears and tries to guide Naked Crazy Patient back to his room.*

Naked Crazy Patient: Houston says we have a problem. My spacesuit is leaking----

Frazzled Nurse: I promise we’ll fix it Naked Crazy Patient.

Naked Crazy Patient: *Yelling to Cute Quirky Intern.* Beware the dark side of the moon! *Frazzled Nurse tries to pull him back to the room but Naked Crazy Patient clutches the edge of the doorframe with one hand and with the other he grabs the sleeve of Cute Quirky Intern’s scrubs.* Wear your spacesuit! Don’t forget to wear your spacesuit!

Cute Quirky Intern: Okay, okay! Let me go!

*Cute Quirky Intern pulls herself away and hurries down the hall towards room 313. She pulls at the door handle but it’s rusted shut. Suddenly, a cold wind rushes through the hallway and she senses a presence behind her, she turns around but no one is there. The door creaks open on its own and Cute Quirky Intern steps inside, shivering. The room is bare except for an empty hospital bed and vase of ancient, shriveled flowers. Cobwebs and thick layers of dust cover everything.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Creepy. *She touches the dead flowers on the nightstand.* And kinda sad. I better get out of here, I don’t want to miss the rest of the game! *She removes the plate with the room number from the door and exits the room.*

Sad, sad flowers

Mystery Patient: Excuse me. Excuse me. I need help. Are you a doctor?

Cute Quirky Intern: Yes, well, almost.

Mystery Patient: How do I get out? I can’t find the exit.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, out of the hospital? I can show you, I’m going on the elevator, come with me.

*They get on the elevator together. Mystery Patient looks unsure for a minute but follows Cute Quirky Intern onto the elevator.*

Cute Quirky Intern: It’s on the first floor, once you get off the elevator, just turn right and go through the double doors at the end of the hallway.

Mystery Patient: *Points at the room 313 doorplate Cute Quirky Intern is holding.* I stayed in that room.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, really? I thought no one had been in there for a long time. The nurses told me it was haunted.

Mystery Patient: Was it?

Cute Quirky Intern: *Shrugs.* I don’t think so. It was just dusty. And lonely.

*The elevator opens onto the deserted first floor and Mystery Patient steps out.*

Mystery Patient: Bye, thanks for helping me get out.

Cute Quirky Intern: Of course! Happy to help. Here, have some chocolate---*she fishes a small piece of chocolate out of her pocket to give to Mystery Patient but when she looks up the man is already gone. A sleepy-looking nurse steps onto the elevator.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Did you see a patient just get off the elevator?

Sleepy Nurse: What? No. I didn’t see anyone.

Cute Quirky Intern: He was just here. He was being discharged from the hospital….

Sleepy Nurse: No one gets discharged at this time of night. *Yawns.* Why’s this elevator so cold?

Cute Quirky Intern: *She studies the room 313 doorplate in her hands.* Have you ever seen the ghost in room 313?

Sleepy Nurse: What? There’s a ghost? Where? *Looks scared and presses all the elevator buttons.*

Don't panic!

Cute Quirky Intern: No---nevermind. Want a piece of chocolate?