Every Medical Show, Episode Twelve: The Night Shift

In which the hospital staff play a dangerous game.

The clock strikes midnight at Average City Hospital. The doctors and nurses unlucky enough to be assigned the night shift are bored and rather sleepy, but they know that dawn is a long way away. The hospital ward is empty and quiet, the patients are all asleep and there’s nothing to do. What better way to pass the time than playing a little game of Truth or Dare….

Gossipy Nurse: Hey, wanna know a secret? *Leans against the counter of the nurses’ station.*

Apathetic Nurse: Not really. Can’t you see I’m busy? *She goes back to flipping through a magazine.*

Cute Quirky Intern: I wanna know the secret!

Gossipy Nurse: This is nurse talk kid. Move along. Go diagnose something. *Waves his hand towards the patients’ rooms behind him.*

Apathetic Nurse: Actually……you should stay here Cute Quirky Intern. We’re….going to play a game. *Shares a conspiratorial look with Gossipy Nurse.*

Gossipy Nurse: Yea….*gives an evil smile.* In fact, I’ll call everyone on the floor to play. *Texting furiously on his phone.* Okay, I’m texting everyone.

It's game time. Get ready to play! Nurses' station right now.

Cute Quirky Intern: Yeah! I love games! *Removes her glasses and wipes them clean on her scrubs.*

Apathetic Nurse: Of course you do.

*Two minutes later, Panicked Intern, Dr. Handsome Face, and Nurse Sexy Hair show up at the nurses’ station.*

Panicked Intern: I hope this game is worth it. I was actually dozing off two minutes ago.

Cute Quirky Intern: Games are always worth it! I’m so excited. What’re we playing?

Gossipy Nurse: Truth or dare.

Dr. Handsome Face: Kind of a juvenile game don’t you think?

Nurse Sexy Hair: I really liked playing it in high school. Spinning the bottle was my favorite part. *Smiles at Dr. Handsome Face.*

Apathetic Nurse: We’re playing truth or dare, not spin the bottle.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Aren’t they the same thing? *Twirls her hair.*

Gossipy Nurse: Doesn’t matter. Dr. Handsome Face, you’re up. Truth or dare?

Dr. Handsome Face: Uh. Truth, I guess.

Panicked Intern: Tell us who your favorite intern is. 

*Mumbling.* Please let it be me.

Dr. Handsome Face: Overachiever Intern.

Panicked Intern: What!

Dr. Handsome Face: *Shrugs.* She found my patient chart.

Panicked Intern: I can’t believe this….I tried so hard. For nothing. Nothing I do matters. *Hyperventilating.* I need my medication---

Cute Quirky Intern: Your turn Panicked Intern.

Panicked Intern: Why? I can hardly breathe. *Holding his chest and breathing heavily.* Okay, fine. Dare.

Gossipy Nurse: Well this next dare will leave you breathless. *Laughs at own joke. He looks between Panicked Intern and Apathetic Nurse.* I dare you to kiss Apathetic Nurse. On the lips.

*Panicked Intern hyperventilates even more.*

Apathetic Nurse: No. Absolutely not.

Cute Quirky Intern: But it’s the rules Apathetic Nurse. He has to do the dare.

Panicked Intern: Okay. I’ll do it. I---I---I can do this. *He tries to calm his breathing down.* But not in front of everyone.

Gossipy Nurse: Fine. Just go in the closet there.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Ooo, so we’re playing seven minutes in heaven? *Flips her hair.* I better put on some chapstick. *Looks at Dr. Handsome Face.*

*Panicked Intern goes into the closet and Apathetic Nurse grudgingly follows him.*

Panicked Intern: Uh, okay. I’m ready. *Puckers up his lips.*

Apathetic Nurse: Aren’t you supposed to kiss me?

Panicked Intern: Right. Um. Okay. *Keeps staring at Apathetic Nurse.*

Apathetic Nurse: Hurry up. I’m getting old here.

Panicked Intern: I can’t. Not like this. *Knocks over a stack of toilet paper rolls.*

Apathetic Nurse: Gahhh! You drive me crazy kid, you act all in love with me, following me around everywhere, and when you get a chance to kiss me, you won’t even---

*Panicked Intern cuts her off with a kiss. Apathetic Nurse kisses him back. They make out.*

Panicked Intern: Well….?

Apathetic Nurse: If you tell anyone we made out, I’ll burn your house down.

Panicked Intern: Okay. *Smiles.* I can keep a secret. Anything you want my beautiful angel.

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t call me that. *She opens the closet door and her and Panicked Intern rejoin the group.*

Gossipy Nurse: How was the kiss? *Looks really excited.*

Apathetic Nurse: It was adequate.

*Panicked Intern looks deflated.*

Cute Quirky Intern: It’s my turn now! *Jumps up and down and claps her hands.* I pick dare!

Gossipy Nurse: Tone it down kid, you don’t what the dare is.

Apathetic Nurse: You know the third floor hallway? The wing near room 313? *Glances at Gossipy Nurse and lifts her eyebrows.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: Oooo, that’s the haunted hallway. *Giggles.*

Stay away from room 313.....

Cute Quirky Intern: *Sounding scared.* It’s haunted?

Dr. Handsome Face: It’s not haunted. That’s just a ridiculous hospital legend.

Panicked Intern: A true legend! I saw the ghost once. I peed on myself.

*Everyone stares at Panicked Intern. Panicked Intern’s face gets red and he hides under the counter.*

Gossipy Nurse: Well then it’s settled. We dare you to walk the haunted hallway.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Bring something back to prove it. Bring the doorplate with room 313 on it.

Cute Quirky Intern: Uhh….okay. I’ll, I’ll do it. *Trying to look brave.* I’m not scared of ghosts.

Apathetic Nurse: Evil British Doctor hangs out around there. He likes the privacy for his “experiments.”

Cute Quirky Intern: The vampire doctor?

Dr. Handsome Face: He’s not a vampire. He’s just….different.

Panicked Intern: *Speaking from underneath the counter.* He always works the night shift. He likes killing patients. He hates garlic.

Nurse Sexy Hair: And he never shows up in the staff picture.

Dr. Handsome Face: He doesn't even go to the staff pictures. He doesn't like cameras.

Apathetic Nurse: I wonder why that is.

Gossipy Nurse: Okay, stop stalling for her guys, go to the haunted hallway!

*He pushes Cute Quirky Intern towards the elevator.*

Everyone: *Chanting.* Go! Go! Go! Go!

*The elevator dings and the door opens. Cute Quirky Intern steps inside and pushes the button for the third floor.*

Cute Quirky Intern: See you on the other side. *Waves goodbye to everyone.*

Will Cute Quirky Intern survive her trip through the haunted hallway? Is there really a ghost there? And how long will the hospital staff play truth or dare? Is there no limit to the madness? Tune in next week to find out what happens on, Every Medical Show…..

Every Medical Show, Episode Eleven: Cheese versus Chocolate

In which a patient learns the importance of cheese.

It’s a sobering moment in room 139 at Average City Hospital. Dr. Cheesehead has the unfortunate job of having to tell his patient’s family that their father is not going to make it. As Snoring Patient snores on borrowed time, Dr. Cheesehead, Cute Quirky Intern, and Hungry Nurse prepare to break the bad news….

Dr. Cheesehead: We did all we could for your father. *Takes a deep breath.* But unfortunately, nothing more can be done about his condition. I’m afraid---*His phone beeps and Dr. Cheesehead takes it out to check a message. On the screen he sees an email saying ‘Your package of Adelost cheese has shipped!’ Dr. Cheesehead smiles at the phone.*

Your Adelost cheese has shipped!

Weepy Patient’s Relative: What? What is it? *Dr. Cheesehead is still looking at his phone.* What’s so important on that phone that you can’t tell me about my father!

Dr. Cheesehead: I’ll have you know that cheese is extremely important. Cheese production is an international, multi-billion dollar business—cheese and cheese-derived products are consumed almost worldwide----

Hungry Nurse: And cheese is delicious. It goes great with almost every kind of food. Like chocolate.

Cute Quirky Intern: I love chocolate.

Dr. Cheesehead: Thank you Hungry Nurse, indeed it does. *Smiles at Hungry Nurse.* It’s a very versatile food.

Cute Quirky Intern: I prefer chocolate. Unless it’s a chocolate shaped like cheese.

Weepy Patient’s Relative: What does cheese have to do with my father’s condition? Is it…something dairy-related?

*Snoring Patient snores very loudly. Weepy Patient’s Relative rushes to smooth his forehead.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Oh my goodness, no. That would be tragic. No. Your father is dying.

Weepy Patient’s Relative: What!

*Snoring Patient snores and turns over in the bed.*

Dr. Cheesehead: I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do for your father Weepy Patient’s Relative.

*Weepy Patient’s Relative starts crying. Snoring Patient’s snores make a whistling sound.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Well….that’s my cue to leave. If you have any more questions, you can ask Cute Quirky Intern, she’s…competent.

*Cute Quirky Intern waves at Weepy Patient’s Relative from behind Dr. Cheesehead. She flashes a brace-filled smile and gives Weepy Patient’s Relative a thumbs up.*

Hungry Nurse: And I’m the nurse that covers this room, so I’ll be around if you need something---unless I’m eating lunch. Don’t interrupt my lunch.

*Weepy Patient’s Relative cries.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Alright, goodbye then, I gotta go see a guy about some cheese.

Hungry Nurse: You’re going to go eat some more cheese Dr. Cheesehead?

Dr. Cheesehead: No, I have to go see a patient about his cheese-induced coma. It’s very serious.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oooo, I want to come! Can I come and watch Dr. Cheesehead? I love learning, being a doctor is so much fun. There’s so many disgusting things I never thought I’d see, so many weird smells, and so many cute things to use---like stethoscopes, and IVs, and cute little needles----

Dr. Cheesehead: You better stay here Cute Quirky Intern, to help the patient.

Cute Quirky Intern: But….*she frowns sadly* but Hungry Nurse is here, he can help---

*Cute Quirky Intern turns around to see Hungry Nurse shoveling rice pudding into his mouth that he stole from Snoring Patient’s tray.*

Cute Quirky Intern: I guess I should stay.

*Dr. Cheesehead exits the room humming to himself and staring at a picture of cheese on his phone.*

Weepy Patient’s Relative: *Sniffling* Are you even a real doctor? *Wipes tears away*

Cute Quirky Intern: *Adjusts her glasses* Well, yes…almost….I…well. Do you want some chocolate?

Hungry Nurse: *Looks up from eating* You have chocolate?

Weepy Patient’s Relative: Well, chocolate is nice I guess.

*Weepy Patient’s Relative reaches to take the chocolate Cute Quirky Intern offers her, but Hungry Nurse snatches the chocolate before she can take it.*

Chocolate or Cheese?

Cute Quirky Intern: That’s for Weepy Patient’s Relative!

Hungry Nurse: *Stuffing the chocolate in his mouth* You gotta fight for food in this world, and chocolate, well, it’s a battle cry. 

Procrastination: Ignoring your problem is definitely going to make it worse

So today’s Sunday, which means I’m supposed to be working on my posts for the two company blogs I write for. Getting work done is easier said, than, well, done. Something that shouldn’t take more than four hours quickly stretches to six or seven.... 

I know all the so-called tricks to break the procrastination cycle, like “start early,” which just means that you have more time to procrastinate. Or my favorite anti-procrastination tip, “turn off the internet.” Which is crazy. You can’t turn off the internet, the internet is everywhere. The internet’s in our pockets, it’s in our computers, it’s in our homes, it’s in our minds…. And anyways, I need the internet to work (no really, I do), I can’t do research without trusty Google.

Beautiful computer art, courtesy of procrastination.

But back to procrastination. I don’t know how it works for other people, but before I start to work on anything I go through a long process to avoid starting. First, check the email. Just to make sure I haven’t gotten some exciting, life-changing message since I last checked my inbox. Spoiler alert, there’s nothing there.

Then I check my blog. As if someone other than me is updating it. I kinda just like looking at the blue background, is that weird?

X-Files(1993-2002): my current Netflix obsession.

Then I look up some articles about my favorite shows. What if there’s updates on what’s happening next season?  That’s not very likely if you’re watching shows on Netflix that went off the air over 10 years ago.

After all that nonsense, I might really shoot myself in the foot and check Buzzfeed, which is literally the worst thing you could do. So many quizzes, so many videos, so little time. How will I know what kind of Once Upon A Time mom I’d be if I don’t take this Buzzfeed quiz? The uncertainty will prevent me from focusing on my work.

Then, when I’ve finally exhausted all other options, I go on YouTube and pull up a bunch of songs to listen to while I work. That takes maybe five minutes, and I know that when I’m done, it’ll be time to start working….right? Maybe all that procrastination leads to real work getting done, it’s more of a journey really, you know man, we’re all on a journey. *Dances around like a hippie.* What do you procrastinate on? What things do you do when you’re procrastinating?

Blog Update

All the posts on this blog so far have been “episodes” of my fictional tv show, Every Medical Show. I will still be posting updates for Every Medical Show but I’m expanding this into a personal blog (don’t worry, it’ll still be funny) that covers everything from humorous anecdotes of my daily life, to fandom, to weird thoughts, and comedic rants about history. You might even see a spin-off of Every Medical Show called Every Detective Thriller, or even a spin-off of the spin-off called Every Legal Drama. Who knows where it’ll go? Thanks for reading!

Every Medical Show, Episode Ten: Wake-Up Call

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which the hospital staff finally rub the sleep out of their eyes.

It’s a tense scene in a patient’s room at Average City Hospital. A man was admitted from the ER complaining of a headache, dizziness, and an upset tummy. He also couldn’t remember why the sky is blue but no one remembers that anyways so the ER docs didn’t take him seriously until the disoriented patient passed out on the floor. Luckily Dr. Handsome Face was there to save the day….

Dr. Handsome Face: One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five…..*Breathes air into patient on the floor.*

Apathetic Nurse: I think you’re doing it wrong.

Nurse Sexy Hair: No, no, you’re doing great Dr. Handsome Face. Um, could you just watch your elbows, you almost messed up my hair. Do you need a cotton ball? Or a tongue depresser maybe? *Nurse Sexy Hair is sitting on the floor next to Dr. Handsome Face holding a jar of cotton balls.*

Dr. Handsome Face: I’m trying to save a life here!

Apathetic Nurse: And I’m trying to take a nap---keep it down. Look, he’s alive. I think. *Points at the patient.*

Disoriented Patient: What happened? Where am I?

Nurse Sexy Hair: You’re at Average City Hospital sir, you almost died but Dr. Handsome Face here saved your life. *Uses a cotton ball to dab at the sweat on Dr. Handsome Face’s forehead.* Need a cotton ball sir?

Disoriented Patient: Huh? I’m dead?

Nurse Sexy Hair: No, you’re fine, or you will be now.

Disoriented Patient: I think you’re fine. *Disoriented Patients flashes Nurse Sexy Hair a flirty smile but starts gagging and coughing.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Clapping.* Congratulations on saving a life Dr. Handsome Face, now go away so I can finish my nap. *Pulls a blanket over herself and rests her head on the chair’s armrest.*

Dr. Handsome Face: No thanks to you Apathetic Nurse, I just saved a man.

*The door bursts open and Panicked Intern rushes in. His hair is a mess and his eyes are red.*

Panicked Intern: What happened? Did I miss anything? *Notices the patient on the floor.* Man, I miss all the good stuff. Why didn’t anyone wake me?

Apathetic Nurse: Because you said, ‘under no circumstances should anyone wake me. I haven’t had a nap in 6 years.’

Panicked Intern: Well—yea. But you can wake me up from a nap anytime you want Apathetic Nurse.

Apathetic Nurse: That sounds vaguely inappropriate.

Disoriented Patient: So am I okay now? What’s going to happen to me?

Dr. Handsome Face: We’re going to fix you all up Mr. Disoriented Patient, don’t you worry. *Slaps Disoriented Patient on the back.*

Disoriented Patient: I feel woozy. And maybe a little gassy.

Dr. Handsome Face: Okay then, that’s my cue to leave, I have a lot of other patients to see. Nurse Sexy Hair, shall we?

*Dr. Handsome Face and Nurse Sexy Hair stand up, Dr. Handsome Face offers Nurse Sexy Hair his arm to lean against and they leave the room. Disoriented Patient is still on the floor.*

Apathetic Nurse: Uhhhmmmm, where are you two going? This isn’t my patient.

Nurse Sexy Hair: He’s your patient now, *giggles.* See ya at lunch!

Panicked Intern: I can help you Apathetic Nurse, I’m not doing anything. Not until 5 o’clock anyways, that’s when I have to see my therapist, and then I need to do some deep breathing---Wait, so what’s wrong with this guy?

Disoriented Patient: I’m disoriented.

*Panicked Intern helps the patient up and gets him seated on a chair.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Shouting down the hall at Nurse Sexy Hair.* I’m not doing this again Nurse Sexy Hair, I’m not picking up all your patients because you have an almost date over some hospital Jello with Dr. Handsome Face! Come back here!

Panicked Intern: Don’t worry Apathetic Nurse, I’ll take care of everything, once you tell me what to do of course. Well, I sorta know what to do, first we should check his pulse, no, his blood pressure.

Apathetic Nurse: First he needs to fill out some paperwork. *Sighs.* I’ll be right back Panicked Intern. *Leaves the room.*

Panicked Intern: Did you hear that Disoriented Patient? She said my name! She knows my name. *Sighs.* She’s finally falling in love with me.

Disoriented Patient: What is love?

*Apathetic Nurse is walking back to the room with the paperwork, she spots Nurse Sexy Hair laughing with Dr. Handsome Face.*

Apathetic Nurse: You won’t get away with this Nurse Sexy Hair, I will have my revenge. And my nap.

Will Apathetic Nurse get her revenge? Will Panicked Intern finally take a nap? And are Dr. Handsome Face and Nurse Sexy Hair actually dating? Tune in next episode to see what will happen on Every Medical Show….