In which a patient learns the importance of cheese.
It’s a sobering moment
in room 139 at Average City Hospital. Dr. Cheesehead has the unfortunate job of
having to tell his patient’s family that their father is not going to make it.
As Snoring Patient snores on borrowed time, Dr. Cheesehead, Cute Quirky Intern,
and Hungry Nurse prepare to break the bad news….
Dr. Cheesehead:
We did all we could for your father. *Takes a deep breath.* But unfortunately,
nothing more can be done about his condition. I’m afraid---*His phone beeps and
Dr. Cheesehead takes it out to check a message. On the screen he sees an email
saying ‘Your package of Adelost cheese has shipped!’ Dr. Cheesehead smiles at
the phone.*
 |
| Your Adelost cheese has shipped! |
Weepy Patient’s
Relative: What? What is it? *Dr. Cheesehead is still looking at his phone.*
What’s so important on that phone that you can’t tell me about my father!
Dr. Cheesehead:
I’ll have you know that cheese is extremely
important. Cheese production is an international, multi-billion dollar
business—cheese and cheese-derived products are consumed almost worldwide----
Hungry Nurse: And
cheese is delicious. It goes great with almost every kind of food. Like chocolate.
Cute Quirky Intern: I love chocolate.
Dr. Cheesehead:
Thank you Hungry Nurse, indeed it does. *Smiles at Hungry Nurse.* It’s a very
versatile food.
Cute Quirky Intern:
I prefer chocolate. Unless it’s a chocolate shaped like cheese.
Weepy Patient’s
Relative: What does cheese have to do with my father’s condition? Is
it…something dairy-related?
*Snoring Patient snores very loudly. Weepy Patient’s
Relative rushes to smooth his forehead.*
Dr. Cheesehead: Oh
my goodness, no. That would be tragic. No. Your father is dying.
Weepy Patient’s
Relative: What!
*Snoring Patient snores and turns over in the bed.*
Dr. Cheesehead:
I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do for your father Weepy Patient’s
Relative.
*Weepy Patient’s Relative starts crying. Snoring Patient’s
snores make a whistling sound.*
Dr. Cheesehead: Well….that’s
my cue to leave. If you have any more questions, you can ask Cute Quirky
Intern, she’s…competent.
*Cute Quirky Intern waves at Weepy Patient’s Relative from
behind Dr. Cheesehead. She flashes a brace-filled smile and gives Weepy
Patient’s Relative a thumbs up.*
Hungry Nurse: And
I’m the nurse that covers this room, so I’ll be around if you need
something---unless I’m eating lunch. Don’t interrupt my lunch.
*Weepy Patient’s Relative cries.*
Dr. Cheesehead:
Alright, goodbye then, I gotta go see a guy about some cheese.
Hungry Nurse: You’re
going to go eat some more cheese Dr. Cheesehead?
Dr. Cheesehead: No,
I have to go see a patient about his cheese-induced coma. It’s very serious.
Cute Quirky Intern:
Oooo, I want to come! Can I come and watch Dr. Cheesehead? I love learning,
being a doctor is so much fun. There’s so many disgusting things I never
thought I’d see, so many weird smells, and so many cute things to use---like
stethoscopes, and IVs, and cute little needles----
Dr. Cheesehead:
You better stay here Cute Quirky Intern, to help the patient.
Cute Quirky Intern:
But….*she frowns sadly* but Hungry Nurse is here, he can help---
*Cute Quirky Intern turns around to see Hungry Nurse shoveling
rice pudding into his mouth that he stole from Snoring Patient’s tray.*
Cute Quirky Intern:
I guess I should stay.
*Dr. Cheesehead exits the room humming to himself and staring
at a picture of cheese on his phone.*
Weepy Patient’s Relative:
*Sniffling* Are you even a real doctor? *Wipes tears away*
Cute Quirky Intern:
*Adjusts her glasses* Well, yes…almost….I…well. Do you want some chocolate?
Hungry Nurse: *Looks
up from eating* You have chocolate?
Weepy Patient’s Relative:
Well, chocolate is nice I guess.
*Weepy Patient’s Relative reaches to take the chocolate Cute
Quirky Intern offers her, but Hungry Nurse snatches the chocolate before she can
take it.*
 |
| Chocolate or Cheese? |
Cute Quirky Intern:
That’s for Weepy Patient’s Relative!
Hungry Nurse: *Stuffing
the chocolate in his mouth* You gotta fight for food in this world, and chocolate,
well, it’s a battle cry.
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