Awkward Moments, Or A Personal Reflection On A Common Problem

Hi, nice to meet you.

*Handshake*

So, um, do you like….um….How’s work?

*Internal panicking*

It’s good. What do you do?

*More internal panicking*

*Nervous laugh* Yea, I love coffee.

What?

I mean, work is great.

Oh. Alright then.

*Sweating profusely*

Uh, so it was good talking to you then. Thanks.

Yes, see you around.

Okay, bye. I love you.

Wait, did you just say ‘I love you?’

No.

*Jumps off a cliff to escape profound embarrassment*

If awkward moments looked like inspirational quotes...

Ahh. Awkward moments. We all have them, some of us more than others. Some of us a lot more than others. Perhaps I experience a lot of these moments, those tense feelings that arise whenever I have to interact with another human being. Even when you know someone, and have known them for a long time, there’s still room for a social blunder: a poor choice of words, the untimely stomach rumble, a too-long silence, accidental physical contact, a fundamental misunderstanding, or a diverging opinion that turns into a heated argument. They can all happen at any time, in any place.

When I was a kid I remember seeing a lot of those “Precious

Moments” keepsakes at the Hallmark store—they were cute figurines of adorable, big-eyed characters, often accompanied by a heart-warming sentiment. We all strive to find those sweet moments of happiness, the precious moments that fill you with hope and joy and make you excited to be alive. Unfortunately, it seems like the precious moments are few and far between. Sandwiched between are the awkward moments that make you cringe with embarrassment. At best it’s mild feeling of discomfort, and at worst it’s a physically painful sensation that leaves you wishing that a cartoon anvil would fall on your head to get you out of this jam.

Sometimes I experience what I call retroactive embarrassment, where something I said earlier in conversation seemed perfectly acceptable but when I go over the situation later I question it and I conclude that the innocuous thing I said is indeed stupid.

Then there’s the flashback embarrassment. Something embarrassing you said or did years ago comes to mind in stunning clarity. It usually happens when you’re struggling to fall asleep, and suddenly, you’re reliving that awkward moment and you burn with embarrassment all over again. It’s your brain opening up the photo album of your life and pointing at that picture saying, ‘look how dumb you look.’ Fun times.

But maybe awkward moments and embarrassment are just nature’s way of keeping you humble. Because if you thought everything you did and said was cool and brilliant, then maybe everyone’s egos would get in the way of cooperation and connection. If you thought you were the coolest, smartest, best all-around kid in school they’d be no reason to listen to someone else’s opinion or ideas. So maybe, just maybe, that twinge of social terror isn’t all bad. It’s just awkward. 

Every Medical Show, Episode Sixteen: Health Inspection

In which Average City Hospital lives up to its reputation

It’s been a long time since we last visited Average City Hospital, but that doesn’t mean the halfway competent staff aren’t ready to give their most average performance for a visiting health inspector….

Dr. Handsome Face: We take pride in our staff and their work here Ms. Snobby Health Inspector. I think you’ll find all are prepared for any test you throw at us.

*Dr. Handsome Face swishes his hair.*

Dr. Handsome Face: Did I also mention that we’re all very good looking? Or most of us anyways. *He looks sideways at Hungry Nurse.*

*Hungry Nurse crunches loudly into an apple as he stares at the health inspectors. Apple juice drips down his chin.*

Snobby Health Inspector: I do not throw tests Dr. Handsome Face. I am here as an official health inspector to thoroughly examine your records and observe your everyday practices. I expect full access to everything in this hospital. 

Hungry Nurse: Does that include the refrigerators?

*Snobby Health Inspector looks down her nose at Hungry Nurse. She clicks her pen loudly and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Begin the tour.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead Snobby Health Inspector into the room outside the operating room. The three of them watch Evil British Doctor try to guide Cute Quirky Intern through a procedure.*

Evil British Doctor: At the rate you are moving the anesthesia will wear off and the patient will awaken.

Cute Quirky Intern: I’m trying Evil British Doctor, but it’s the first time I’m assisting in a surgery, I’m so excited! I’ll move a little faster.

Evil British Doctor: No, work more slowly. I insist.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh…okay then. You’re really nice Evil British Doctor, all the other doctors just yell at me to move faster. You’re not as mean as they say you are.

Evil British Doctor: You are right. I am much meaner. Now slow down on this patient.

*Snobby Health Inspector gasps and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Encouraging interns to purposely fumble procedures, flouting OR safety protocols…these are serious hazards. What is this doctor’s name?

*Dr. Handsome Face shrugs. Hungry Nurse takes another loud bite of his apple.*

Snobby Health Inspector: *mumbling as she continues to write* Eating in the OR prep room…Now I want to inspect one of the patient rooms.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse bring Snobby Health Inspector to a room where Dr. Cheesehead is speaking to a patient.*

Dr. Cheeshead: So then I told the man, ‘sir, Munster cheese is best served with a good beer, not a heavy Shiraz wine—get rid of this!’ Can you believe that? Crazy. Shiraz with Munster cheese, I might as well eat cheese from a package.

 Patient: Uh, Dr. Cheesehead, am I free to go?

Dr. Cheesehead: Huh? Oh yea, I signed the discharge papers hours ago.

Patient: What! You mean I can go home? Why am I still here?

Dr. Cheesehead: You asked me about cheese.

Patient: I had a question about fees!

Dr. Cheesehead: Oh. Well, cheese is better. I just like talking about cheese.

*Snobby Health Inspector shakes her head and writes something down on her clipboard. Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead her down the hallway to a supply closet.*

Dr. Handsome Face: You should take a look at the supply closet, it’s full of…. *He exchanges a look with Hungry Nurse* …supplies.

Hungry Nurse: *Nodding* Yea, supplies.

Snobby Health Inspector: I know what a supply closet is.

*Dr. Handsome Face opens the door and he and Hungry Nurse push Snobby Health Inspector inside and lock her in. Snobby Health Inspector rattles the doorknob.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Hello? Did you just lock me in? Excuse me! *Banging on the door* I need to finish my report! Open this door!

*A noise in the corner of the closet startles Snobby Health Inspector. She sees Apathetic Nurse and Panicked Intern kissing beside the toilet paper.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Speaking to Snobby Health Inspector* Do you mind? We’re trying to have a romantic moment here.

Panicked Intern: Ye-ye-yea. Uh, that—that door isn’t locked is it?

Snobby Health Inspector: I demand you two stop this immediately. This room is not meant for your personal activities.

Apathetic Nurse: *Sarcastically* Oh no, I’m so scared. Don’t tell anyone.

Panicked Intern: Um, I-I-I am actually scared here. Are we really locked in?

Snobby Health Inspector: Oh this is all going in my report. 

In Defense of Zombies, Or, Why The Job Hunt Is Pretty Tough

Sometimes I wish this whole zombie apocalypse thing everyone keeps worrying about would just happen so that I can stop stressing about finding a job. 

A spooky house where zombies lurk! 

I mean, the constant threat of being ripped apart by undead monsters sounds pretty horrible, but then I think, is it really that much worse than writing another cover letter? Cover letters are the worst. How many ways more ways can I say, ‘I’m qualified to to do stuff, please hire me now so I can finally feel like a successful human.’ 

When you put it in perspective, zombies are really not that terrible, sure, they’re a threat to humanity, and civilization as we know it, but on the bright side, think about all the things you wouldn’t need to worry about anymore. No more school. No more work. You don’t have to read your emails. You don’t have to pay taxes. You don’t have to pay bills. You never have to complain about working out again because your whole life will be a workout. 

Those are just a few of the great things we can look forward to when the big zombie outbreak happens. You can stop worrying about computer repairs or whether you’ll get to work on time. And you never have to fill out another long, horrible application form ever again---or any form for that matter. 

It’s a form-free world, enjoy it.