Every Medical Show, Episode Fifteen: Dance Party

In which Dr. Ponytail throws a party

Dr. Ponytail was a new doctor at Average City Hospital. He specialized in some complicated and rare disease that no one could pronounce, but the hospital staff were more enchanted with Dr. Ponytail’s luscious locks than they were with his fancy knowledge. While his face wasn’t much to look at, his shiny mane of chestnut-colored hair was the envy of everyone in the hospital. But besides his hair, Dr. Ponytail was a devoted party animal. “Anytime is party time,” he claimed, and one’s sour mood could get Dr. Ponytail down. And he was determined to make his new colleagues toe the party line…

Awkward Dorky Intern: Good morning Dr. Handsome Face.

Dr. Handsome Face: Gwwwrrr. What’s good about it?

Awkward Dorky Intern: Um, well, I don’t know. The sun is….well it was shining.

Dr. Handsome Face: Please stop talking, I have a massive headache. Late night.

Awkward Dorky Intern: You worked a late shift last night? I was working too, I didn’t see you, were you on this floor?

Dr. Handsome Face: Just stop talking Awkward Dorky Intern---just stop. *Holds a hand to his head and leans on a counter.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Talking to himself* You’re so stupid Awkward Dorky Intern, if you’d just stop blurting out whatever you’re thinking someone in this place might actually let you eat lunch with them. Stupid…so stupid. *His lip quivers.*

Dr. Ponytail: Hey party animals! What’s the haps?

*No one responds.*

Dr. Ponytail: Why the gloomy expressions fellow doctors? Someone break the coffee machine again?

*No one answers. Awkward Dorky Intern starts to cry.*

Dr. Ponytail: We can’t have this gloomy atmosphere, this mood will be rectified with….a party! We will feast, we will dance, we will drink----

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse comes from around a corner and gives him an angry look.*

Dr. Ponytail: We will drink---apple juice, or cranberry, if that is to your liking. *Jumps onto a counter in the hallway and claps his hands.* Doctors and nurses, inmates and interns---prepare yourselves for a tsunami of fun. Let the party begin! Hit it!

*Dr. Ponytail pulls out his phone and presses a button on it. Loud dance music emanates from his phone and the hospital speakers. He presses another button on the phone and the hospital lights lower and neon green lights light up the hallway walls. Dr. Ponytail jumps off the counter.*

Dr. Ponytail: I declare….a PARTY! *Dr. Ponytail begins dancing enthusiastically.*

*Patients, nurses, and doctors begin to dance reluctantly to the deafening club music. Someone puts out trays of jello and pudding packs. Tiny cups of juice appear on the counter of the nurses’ station and patients throw snacks from their gift baskets next to the juice cups: little fancy cheeses, chocolates wrapped in shiny paper, crackers, pears and chocolate-covered pretzels, assorted nuts, and jars of spicy mustard.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Where did all this food come from? Who’s paying for this party? Who gave the authorization for this party----*A patient grabs the clipboard from her hand and runs off with it, cackling.* Give that back! Sir! Where are your clothes?

Naked Crazy Patient: Haha, try and catch me you old windbag!

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Old? I am not the one needing an adult diaper and 12 different medications---get back here with my clipboard! Naked Crazy Patient, I am warning you, do not get on my bad side. No, no, that is not for playing Frisbee! *Huffs and puffs as she follow him.

*Naked Crazy Patient throws the clipboard and it hits Awkward Dorky Intern.*

Naked Crazy Patient: For the llamas!

*Naked Crazy Patient grabs the clipboard again and disappears around the corner cackling. Hard-Ass Head Nurse chases after him.*

*Meanwhile….at the nurses’ station, loud dance music blares. Gossipy Nurse walks up to the group at the station carrying a tray of tiny cups.*

Gossipy Nurse: Okay, I raided the fridge and got drinks for everyone. *He hands cups to everyone.* Drink up, if you dare!

Apathetic Nurse: What’s in this? Did you put something in it? *Sniffs drink suspiciously.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: This apple juice is very interesting, it’s such a unique shade of yellow. 

*Gulps down the whole cup.* Ahhh, refreshing.

Overachiever Intern: Idiot, it’s pee.

*Awkward Dorky Intern spray spits the pee all over the table, everyone groans and scatters except for Cute Quirky Intern who’s not fast enough.*

Cute Quirky Intern: EWWWWW! It’s in my eyes! Ew, ew, ew! *She flees down the hallway.*

Gossipy Nurse: Haha! I gotta tell everybody about this, hashtag pee prank!

*Cute Quirky Intern runs down the hallway straight into a big patch of red balloons. She trips and gets tangled up in the balloon strings. Suddenly, balloons begin popping around her.*

Evil British Doctor: Grrrrr! I rip apart the flesh of my enemies, I terrify the tiny tots, I frighten the fools that call themselves patients, I am a vamp--- *He bites into a balloon.*

Cute Quirky Intern: What are you doing?

Evil British Doctor: I’m partying---what’s it look like I’m doing?

Cute Quirky Intern: Eating a balloon.

Evil British Doctor: Leave this place at once intern! We are about to begin a drinking game---doctors only.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, okay. *Continues to stare at Evil British Doctor.*

Evil British Doctor: Well?

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, yea. I’m leaving now. Have fun!

Evil British Doctor: I am a vamp---doctor. We are deadly serious about our work, we do not believe in…in fun! *He grimaces.*

Dr. Ponytail: Did someone say FUN? *Dr. Ponytail leaps out from behind a plant.* Are you all having fun yet? Because I sure am. Music, dancing, food and drinks, and balloons—it’s not a party without balloons!

Cute Quirky Intern: And chocolate, and great conversation!

Dr. Ponytail: Wait a second there intern, save the boring convos for the break room. Parties are not for deep intellectual discussion, but for mindless fun, and especially, for DANCE.

*Dr. Ponytail grabs Evil British Doctor and Cute Quirky Intern and forces them to dance together. He shakes out his ponytail and cranks up the music. More people appear in the hallway and start dancing.*

Evil British Doctor: Ugh! Do not touch me peasant intern! *He tries to shake off Cute Quirky Intern but it’s too crowded for them to separate.*Get off me! Why are your hands sticky?

Cute Quirky Intern: It’s just chocolate. Do you want some?

Evil British Doctor: *Shouting over the noise.* No! And will this infernal music never end?

Cute Quirky Intern: Dancing is fun. And you’re a pretty good dancer by the way.

Evil British Doctor: You call this dancing?

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse barrels through the crowded hallway, knocking everyone against the wall as she chases down Naked Crazy Patient who still has her clipboard.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Halt! Stop, thief! Come back here you crazy patient!

*The crowds cheers for Naked Crazy Patient.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Do not cheer for him. Next person who cheers for this patient will be…I will severely punish that person. And this wild debauchery, is over. *She turns the music off. The crowd boos.*

Dr. Ponytail: Please don’t stop the music.

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: This is a hospital, not a disco. I’m telling the board about this.

Dr. Ponytail: Are you citing me for a party infraction? *He flips his hair.* You cannot stop the party in my heart! You will not crush my party spirit!

*The crowd breaks up and the hospital orderlies begins sweeping up paper cups and confetti. Evil British Doctor breaks away from Cute Quirky Intern.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Bye! It was fun dancing with you! Who knew Evil British Doctor was such a great dancer, maybe I’ll ask him to be on my dance team for the talent show….we’ll perform the Chocolate Cha-Cha.

Naked Crazy Patient: I’m a llama!