Every Medical Show, Episode Fourteen: Bagel Boy

In which a hot boy toy provides the hospital staff with a welcome distraction.

The doctors at Average City Hospital believe in trusting their interns with important work, especially if the doctors don’t feel like doing it themselves. After all, that’s what interns are for….

Dr. Cheesehead: Are you ready?

Panicked Intern: No.

*Dr. Cheesehead sighs.*

Dr. Cheesehead: You can do this Panicked Intern. You just have to make the first…and second incision on the patient. Just, breathe----think about relaxing things, like…. cheese.

Panicked Intern: Cheese gives me a stomachache. This is making me more nervous.

Hungry Nurse: Oh my goodness just make the incision kid. I wanna get out of here, I’m starving.

Panicked Intern: Okay, okay. *Takes a deep breathe.* I can do this. I can do this.

Dr. Cheesehead: *Whispering to Hungry Nurse* I don’t think he can do this.

*Hungry Nurse freezes and stares at the door. He pulls off his surgical mask and sniffs the air.*

Hungry Nurse: I smell…..*walks to the door and sniffs* I smell bagels. Delicious…doughy bagels-----

*Hungry Nurse runs out of the operating room and into the hallway, searching for the bagels.*

Dr. Cheesehead: *Calling after Hungry Nurse* Hey! Wait! *Looks between the patient and the open door as if debating what to do.* There might be asiago cheese bagels…I’ll be right back---just, hold on. *Runs out of the operating room, leaving Panicked Intern alone.*

Cheese baked into a bagel--how could Dr. Cheesehead pass that up?

Panicked Intern: Uhhhhh, where could you possibly be going? Don’t leave me! *His arm holds the scalpel poised above the patient, his hand is shaking. Sweat pours down his forhead.* You can do this Panicked Intern. Positive affirmations----I am not nervous. I am powerful and confident---no, no I’m not, I’m a mess. I can’t do this. Help!!!

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the operating room, the nurses are spying on a newcomer to the hospital….

Nurse Sexy Hair: Oooh, I really like the new bagel delivery boy. He has amazing hair. *Twirls her hair* What’s his name again?

Apathetic Nurse: It’s on his name tag.

Nurse Sexy Hair: *Reading the name tag* Bay-gel Boy. Oooh, mysterious. How come we don’t get name tags?

Apathetic Nurse: Because we hate labels. Remember? *Looks up from her magazine.* Bagel Boy is pretty….decent-looking though. I wouldn’t mind a bite of that. *Snaps her fingers in the air.* Hey, Bagel Boy! Yes, you, with the hair.

Hungry Nurse: *Running up behind the nurses* I smelled bagels. Where’s the bagels?

*Bagel Boy walks up to the nurses pushing a cart loaded with bagels, butter, and cream cheese.*

Bagel Boy: You rang?

*Nurse Sexy Hair and Apathetic Nurse give Bagel Boy a long, 

admiring stare. Hungry Nurse stares at the bagels.*

Bagel Boy: You guys want a bagel or what? I got butter melting here. Not that I care. Butter ruins the integrity of the bagel experience. And cream cheese----don’t even get me started on that abomination of a topping-----

Hungry Nurse: I’ll take-----three, no, five---wait----ten bagels please.

Bagel Boy: What kind you want? Actually----no, I will choose for you. You look like a man who appreciates the complexity and range of the bagel medium, a man who does not allow fickle foodie trends to sway his taste buds. *Begins carefully selecting bagels and putting them in a box.*

Hungry Nurse: Sure, whatever. Just gimme the bagels. *Rubs his hands together in anticipation.*

*Hungry Nurse pays for the bagels and Bagel Boy hands him the bagel box. Hungry Nurse grabs it and runs off.*

Bagel Boy: Did you ladies wish to purchase a delectable bagel? The poppyseed ones are particularly good today.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Wow, that was soooo hot.

*Apathetic Nurse glares at Nurse Sexy Hair.*

Bagel Boy: Unfortunately, these bagels are no longer hot. But toasting them may provide the experience you’re looking for.

Nurse Sexy Hair: Ooooh, that’s hot. Don’t you think bagels are just…so….sexy? *Smiles at Bagel Boy.*

Bagel Boy: They do have a certain attractiveness to them. Probably because they are circular. Humans are drawn to organic forms, and the circle holds great significance in many cultures. It symbolizes the cycle of life, time, the eternalness of the soul-----

Apathetic Nurse: She hates bagels. She thinks bagels are just bald donuts. *Smirks.*

Bagels' better cousin

*Bagel Boy gasps dramatically and looks horrified.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: What? No! That’s not true. *Whispering 

to Apathetic Nurse.* Why would you tell him that? I told you that in confidence---he’s hot and you’re ruining this.

Apathetic Nurse: That’s what you get for leaving me with that Disoriented Patient that day in the ER. I said you’d pay for it, you can’t get away with everything just cuz you’re pretty-----

Nurse Sexy Hair: Uh! Well, obviously, I misjudged our friendship. I thought-----uh, we are so over Apathetic Nurse. *Flips her hair and stalks off.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Turns back to Bagel Boy.* So you were saying?

Bagel Boy: What just happened------

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t mind her, she’s probably looking for some hair products. Tell me more about the bagels. *Smiles flirtatiously.*

Bagel Boy: Well-----

Panicked Intern peeks his head out of the operating room door and watches the exchange between Bagel Boy and Apathetic Nurse. Jealousy burns in his heart, he grips the scalpel in one hand.

Panicked Intern: How dare you---you---you interloper, trying to steal away my beautiful nurse. This is war Bagel Boy, prepare for battle….

Every Medical Show, Episode Thirteen: Room 313

Previously on Every Medical Show…the night shift staff played truth or dare, and one unlucky intern had to walk the haunted hallway on the third floor...

Average City Hospital opened on July 2, 1955. It wasn’t a spectacular place (still isn’t), but it saved lives and had decent food and okay staff. It quickly gained the reputation of being a thoroughly average facility, there was nothing extraordinary about the place. One fateful day in November of 1989 changed that forever. According to legend, a man came to the hospital complaining of intense pain. His body was covered with raised spots that he couldn’t stop itching. Fevers and cold sweats left the man delirious. Doctors were shocked to discover that the man had smallpox, a disease modern medicine had wiped out decades earlier. Fearing an epidemic, the staff isolated the smallpox patient in room 313; the patient died three days later in his empty room. Strange things starting happening in room 313 after the man’s death. Patients who slept there said they saw a man sitting at the foot of their bed. Nurses working in the room described a shadowy figure with smallpox scars on his arms; other patients on the floor heard crying coming from the empty room at night. Hospital staff avoided the room, terrified of the patient’s ghost....

Gossipy Nurse: And that’s the tale of the ghost of room 313…..spooky right?

Apathetic Nurse: It sounds like a load of----

Nurse Sexy Hair: Candy?

Panicked Intern: Sleeping pills?

Apathetic Nurse: I was going to say that *makes air quotes 

motion with her hands* this ghost story is total b----

Dr. Handsome Face: There’s no proof of that story! Smallpox? Come on. I’ve never seen any record of a smallpox patient being admitted to Average City Hospital.

Gossipy Nurse: And you’ve read all the hospital records? On your off time you just sit and read thousands of records? You have no other hobbies….

Dr. Handsome Face: Well I, I keep busy during my down time---

Apathetic Nurse: I bet you are---*pretends to drink from a glass*. But what I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted, is that I have never seen a single photo, or whatever, of a ghost in that room, that story is complete cr-----

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Why is everyone standing around the nurses’ station? What’s happening here?

Panicked Intern: Uhhhhhh

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Anyone still standing here in the next ten seconds will have a penalty on their employee file!

*No one moves.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: Anyone still standing here in the next ten seconds has to work the night shift tomorrow.

*Everyone scatters, leaving Hard-Ass Head Nurse alone at the nurses’ station.*

Meanwhile, Cute Quirky Intern walks through the third floor’s haunted hallway, timidly approaching room 313 at the end of the wing…..

Spooky hallway....

Cute Quirky Intern: *Muttering to herself.* I’m not afraid of ghosts. I’m not afraid of ghosts. There’s no such thing as ghosts. They’re just….misty, light...things. Let’s think about nice things. Like, chocolate. And daisies. Or chocolate daisies. Mmm, that sounds delicious-----

*A loud bang startles Cute Quirky Intern. A door opens at the end of the hall and red light spills out from the room. A voice from inside the room speaks and she recognizes the sound of Evil British Doctor’s voice.*

Evil British Doctor: Nurse, get the saw.

Frightened Patient: No. Please.

Evil British Doctor: Restrain the patient!

*Cute Quirky Intern rushes to the open door. Inside the room she sees Evil British Doctor leaning over a patient. A flash of lightening illuminates the room and Cute Quirky Intern sees a long needle in Evil British Doctor’s hand.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Stop! What are you doing Evil British Doctor?

Evil British Doctor: You’re not the nurse. Get out.

Cute Quirky Intern: Not until you put the needle down!

Evil British Doctor: I am a vampire---- a doctor. I don’t need to answer to an intern.

*Cute Quirky Intern continues standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.*

Evil British Doctor: There’s chocolate outside.

Cute Quirky Intern: What? Where? *Looks around in the hallway.*

*Evil British Doctor slams the door in her face. His evil cackle emanates from inside the patient’s room.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Hey! *Kicks the door, then gives up and continues along the hallway.* I wonder where the chocolate is-----

*An elderly patient runs out a room waving his arms and screaming. The back of his hospital gown is flapping open. Cute Quirky Intern jumps out of his way.*

Naked Crazy Patient: I’m on the moon!

Cute Quirky Intern: Uh, okay.

Naked Crazy Patient: Moon dirt tastes like pie.

Yummy moon dirt pie.

*A nurse appears and tries to guide Naked Crazy Patient back to his room.*

Naked Crazy Patient: Houston says we have a problem. My spacesuit is leaking----

Frazzled Nurse: I promise we’ll fix it Naked Crazy Patient.

Naked Crazy Patient: *Yelling to Cute Quirky Intern.* Beware the dark side of the moon! *Frazzled Nurse tries to pull him back to the room but Naked Crazy Patient clutches the edge of the doorframe with one hand and with the other he grabs the sleeve of Cute Quirky Intern’s scrubs.* Wear your spacesuit! Don’t forget to wear your spacesuit!

Cute Quirky Intern: Okay, okay! Let me go!

*Cute Quirky Intern pulls herself away and hurries down the hall towards room 313. She pulls at the door handle but it’s rusted shut. Suddenly, a cold wind rushes through the hallway and she senses a presence behind her, she turns around but no one is there. The door creaks open on its own and Cute Quirky Intern steps inside, shivering. The room is bare except for an empty hospital bed and vase of ancient, shriveled flowers. Cobwebs and thick layers of dust cover everything.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Creepy. *She touches the dead flowers on the nightstand.* And kinda sad. I better get out of here, I don’t want to miss the rest of the game! *She removes the plate with the room number from the door and exits the room.*

Sad, sad flowers

Mystery Patient: Excuse me. Excuse me. I need help. Are you a doctor?

Cute Quirky Intern: Yes, well, almost.

Mystery Patient: How do I get out? I can’t find the exit.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, out of the hospital? I can show you, I’m going on the elevator, come with me.

*They get on the elevator together. Mystery Patient looks unsure for a minute but follows Cute Quirky Intern onto the elevator.*

Cute Quirky Intern: It’s on the first floor, once you get off the elevator, just turn right and go through the double doors at the end of the hallway.

Mystery Patient: *Points at the room 313 doorplate Cute Quirky Intern is holding.* I stayed in that room.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh, really? I thought no one had been in there for a long time. The nurses told me it was haunted.

Mystery Patient: Was it?

Cute Quirky Intern: *Shrugs.* I don’t think so. It was just dusty. And lonely.

*The elevator opens onto the deserted first floor and Mystery Patient steps out.*

Mystery Patient: Bye, thanks for helping me get out.

Cute Quirky Intern: Of course! Happy to help. Here, have some chocolate---*she fishes a small piece of chocolate out of her pocket to give to Mystery Patient but when she looks up the man is already gone. A sleepy-looking nurse steps onto the elevator.*

Cute Quirky Intern: Did you see a patient just get off the elevator?

Sleepy Nurse: What? No. I didn’t see anyone.

Cute Quirky Intern: He was just here. He was being discharged from the hospital….

Sleepy Nurse: No one gets discharged at this time of night. *Yawns.* Why’s this elevator so cold?

Cute Quirky Intern: *She studies the room 313 doorplate in her hands.* Have you ever seen the ghost in room 313?

Sleepy Nurse: What? There’s a ghost? Where? *Looks scared and presses all the elevator buttons.*

Don't panic!

Cute Quirky Intern: No---nevermind. Want a piece of chocolate?