Every Medical Show, Episode Nine: Close Quarters

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which the interns learn a valuable lesson. 

The interns at Average City Hospital are trying hard to be good interns, but not hard enough. Incompetent Intern has a running tally of the patients he’s killed, the new intern, Cute Quirky Intern is too preoccupied with cleaning her glasses to study the patients, and Awkward Dorky Intern is hopelessly klutzy. Only Overachiever Intern can be left alone with a patient for more than a minute without disaster. The experienced doctors at Average City Hospital are trying to rectify this, if only they could stay focused long enough to try…..

Awkward Dorky Intern: Am I doing the intubation right? This looks right, right?

*Dr. Hottie McHotterson is sitting in a corner admiring herself in a small mirror.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Hmm, yes that’s fine. Hurry up, my time isn’t free you know.

Awkward Dorky Intern: You didn’t even look, *throws equipment on the ground.* You’re supposed to be teaching us, all you do is sit there, staring at yourself in the mirror! I’m trying to become a doctor here!

*The other interns look shocked. Dr. Hottie McHotterson looks impressed.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Wow, maybe we should start calling you feisty intern. I’m impressed, you got spunk kid. Now channel that into finishing the procedure, and if you’re lucky, I’ll permit you to speak at rounds later.

*Awkward Dorky Intern smiles and gets back to the procedure.*

Overachiever Intern: Wait, so he throws a tantrum and suddenly he’s the golden boy? I work my butt off studying and going over the procedures again and again and again and I get nothing but flak for it! Evil British Doctor made me stand in the closet for 10 minutes after I correctly diagnosed the patient yesterday---

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: That reminds me, what was the diagnosis again? I need it for my report.

Overachiever Intern: No! I’m putting my foot down.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Just don’t put your foot down on my toes, just got my toenails done.

Incompetent Intern: *Muffled from being inside a closet.* So why do I have a timeout in the closet?

Overachiever Intern: Are you really asking that? You’ve killed three patients today.

Incompetent Intern: The first one was an accident, the other two died during my lunch break, so I technically didn’t do anything. I just want to know how much longer I need to be in this closet---it smells like rubber and old vomit.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I’m hearing a lot of talking and not enough working---

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Whispering.* Oh no, she’s gearing up for a tirade.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Overachiever Intern! I heard that. I’m not going to tolerate your insolence any longer. To the closet! *Points at the small closet where Incompetent Intern is.*

Overachiever Intern: I didn’t say anything!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: No excuses! And no, you can’t study your notes in the closet. Leave it on the table! To the closet with you!

Overachiever Intern: Bbbbbut…..*Sighs and goes to stand in the closet with Incompetent Intern.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Quick, grab her notebook, I need to know that diagnosis!

*Awkward Dorky Intern tries to grab the notebook but it slips out of his hands and he trips over the notebook, ripping the pages.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Clumsy idiot. *Shakes her head while adjusting her hair.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I can tape it up, I can fix it. *Grabs the notebook and tries putting surgical tape on it.* I tried this yesterday on a patient.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I hope they lived to tell that story.

Overachiever Intern: What happened to my notebook! Did you rip it again Awkward Dorky Intern? You’re banned from our lunch table!

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Whispering.* Not again.

Incompetent Intern: *Muffled.* Hey Overachiever Intern, cozy in here, right? So what’s it like out there?

Overachiever Intern: I will stab you with my pencil if you 

try and hug me Incompetent Intern.

Incompetent Intern: At least I know you’ll be able to fix me up.

Every Medical Show, Episode Eight: A Cheesy Romance

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which Dr. Cheesehead meets a kindred spirit. 

It’s lunchtime on an average day at Average City Hospital. The cafeteria is particularly busy today being that it’s brownie Thursday. Dr. Cheesehead is trying to find a seat in the crowded cafeteria; he spots Overachiever Intern and Incompetent Intern gathered at the cool intern table with Awkward Dorky Intern huddled on a chair outside their circle. Dr. Cheesehead passes Evil British Doctor lurking in the dark corner of the room near Apathetic Nurse, who’s absorbed in texting. His usual seat with Dr. Handsome Face is taken up by Nurse Sexy Hair. Dr. Cheesehead finally spots an empty space at the end of a table. Hungry Nurse sits in the center of it, he’s surrounded by piled-up trays, plates, cups, and bowls of food, Dr. Cheesehead reluctantly sits down….

Dr. Cheesehead: Okay to sit here?

Hungry Nurse: *Mouth full.* Hmmm? Yea, sure. *Continues eating.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Got a lot of food here…you really going to eat it all? *Pushes away a half-eaten plate of macaroni and cheese.*

Hungry Nurse: Yup. And don’t touch the mac and cheese. It’s homemade. *Goes back to shoveling peas and carrots in his mouth.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Really? What type of cheese is in it? *Dr. Cheesehead eyes the macaroni and cheese greedily.*

Hungry Nurse: Ummm….hmm, think I made that one with cheddar, Parmesan, and…threw in some ranch too for flavor.

*Dr. Cheesehead’s eyes bug out, he licks his lips while staring at the macaroni and cheese.*

Dr. Cheesehead: You mind if have some?

Hungry Nurse: Yea, whatever. *Shrugs.*

*Dr. Cheesehead grabs the plate of half-eaten macaroni and cheese and eats the whole thing in a few seconds. Hungry Nurse stares at him.*

Dr. Cheesehead: Wow, that is the…second most delicious macaroni and cheese I have ever eaten. It was simply perfection!

Hungry Nurse: Just mac and cheese man. You sure were hungry.

Dr. Cheesehead: I am always hungry for cheese. Cheese is my life, it’s my heart, it’s my soul.

Hungry Nurse: Okay. *Goes back to eating, but keeps watching Dr. Cheesehead.*

Dr. Cheesehead: So you like cheese? What’s your favorite type?

Hungry Nurse: *Shrugs.* All types I guess. I just like food.

Dr. Cheesehead: Wow, so you like all types of cheese? You just love them all? My favorite is blue cheese, but it took me years to finally decide that, after trying many different types of cheese I settled on that one. I think of myself as a one-cheese type man, you can’t have them all, you can’t have more than one true love.

Hungry Nurse: Sure you can.

Dr. Cheesehead: How? You can’t love more than one thing, I’ve tried….all my relationships fall apart because I love cheese more than people. I was in love once, but he left me, he said he got tired of competing with a lump of cheese for my affection. *Starts crying.* I mean, I loved him, but, I loved my cheese even more. Is that so bad?

Hungry Nurse: Dude, you’re overthinking it. Just, I don’t know, love everything the same. Like me, I love all foods equally.

Dr. Cheesehead: That’s so…liberating. You’re a fascinating man Hungry Nurse.

Hungry Nurse: Uh, thanks?

Dr. Cheesehead: Would you, well, be interested in having lunch sometime? Something cheesy?

Hungry Nurse: Sure, I like food.

Dr. Cheesehead: *Muttering to himself.* I’ve found my soulmate. My true cheesemate.

Hungry Nurse: What? Did you say something?

Dr. Cheesehead: Nothing, it was cheesy anyways.

Every Medical Show, Episode Seven: A Wild Ride

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which Dr. Handsome Face goes too far.

Average City Hospital is facing a budget crisis. Hospital attendance is down and the staff is throwing money out the window (literally---the hospital lost almost $3,000 at the money rain party last week). Hungry Nurse can’t stop stealing cans of peas from the cafeteria, the interns are addicted to taking “free” scrubs home every Friday for tent night, and Evil British Doctor will never pass up an opportunity to borrow expensive hospital equipment for his midnight experiments. Hospital administration is cracking down on the staff, but no one can predict when Dr. Handsome Face will take an ambulance out for a joyride….

Dr. Handsome Face: Where am I? Ugh….my head feels like someone ran a chainsaw through it.

*Dr. Handsome Face shakes his head slowly and looks around. He’s sitting in the driver’s seat of an ambulance, the front end of it teeters on the edge of a cliff. Six-Pack Abs EMT wakes up from a nap he was taking in the front passenger seat.*

Six-Pack Abs EMT: I doubt that. I was on a call once where that actually happened---poor idiot cut through his own brain trying to chop off a branch. He had great abs though, wish I could’ve asked about his workout routine. *Yawns and stretches.* What’re you doing here?

Dr. Handsome Face: I don’t know---I…last thing I remember was having a beer at the bar near the hospital. I promised that I’d only have one beer this time, I’ve been really good, haven’t had a single drink in…a week maybe.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: I’m guessing you had more than one beer?

Dr. Handsome Face: Dang it! I must have gone over my designated limit---I only steal ambulances when I’m really far gone. I was sure I brought Panicked Intern with me to the bar though, he was supposed to stop me. Now I’ll have start my cleanse all over again.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: You need some tips? I’m great at cleanses---I get all my best cleanse tips from Beyonce, she’s the queen of cleanses---and feminism.

Panicked Intern: I was at the bar with you Dr. Handsome Face! 

*Six-Pack Abs EMT and Dr. Handsome Face turn around to see Panicked Intern strapped to the stretcher in the back of the ambulance.*

Dr. Handsome Face: There you are! I told you to stop me after one beer.

Panicked Intern: *Crying softly.* You promised me a fun evening at the bar. You said ‘just one beer kid.’ You promised to be my mentor----I trusted you! You went crazy---I couldn’t stop you. Then you kidnapped me and strapped me back here!

Dr. Handsome Face: Hmm….how crazy did I get?

*Panicked Intern just keeps crying. The ambulance radio crackles, B.B. EMT shouts through the radio.*

B.B. EMT: 29 Terry ambulance come in, you better answer me this time! Over.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: 29 Terry ambulance speaking, what can I do you for? Over. Also, who is this? Over.

B.B. EMT: It’s me Six-Pack Abs! Don’t you even recognize your on-again, off-again girlfriend’s voice? Guess all that stuff you said about true love was a lie----

Six-Pack Abs EMT: No, no, it’s all true B.B. EMT, I do love you, you’re so beautiful, and, and----

B.B. EMT: That’s it? You love me because I’m pretty?

Dr. Handsome Face: Um, excuse me, don’t mean to interrupt this lovers’ quarrel, but we’re kinda in a situation B.B. EMT, the ambulance is on the edge of a cliff, so, um, help us? You’re the emergency expert and everything. *Laughs awkwardly.*

B.B. EMT: Shut up you bourgeois pig! We EMTs will not give way to the tyranny of doctors!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Yea! What she said---

B.B. EMT: You have no idea what that means. Over.

Panicked Intern: Someone let me out! I have to pee!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: No…but it sounds smart. And I love you B.B. EMT because you’re like Beyonce---powerful and beautiful *sniffles* and full of heart. Over.

B.B. EMT: Really? Over.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Yes, you really do look like Beyonce. Over.

B.B. EMT: *Huffs loudly over the radio.* Seriously? I’m just a stand-in for Beyonce? I don’t get your weird obsession with her. Over.

Panicked Intern: Dr. Handsome Face? Get me OUT!! *Sobbing.* I have reoccurring nightmares about being strapped to a table---like I’m a cadaver in med school---and I can’t get out. And tonight….my nightmare came true---I need to talk to my therapist. *Struggles to get out of the stretcher, rocking the ambulance.*

B.B. EMT: What’s that noise?...Over.

Dr. Handsome Face: Just some whiny kid.

Panicked Intern: I can hear you! 

*Panicked Intern wiggles against the restraints and overturns the stretcher. The ambulance tips further forward.*

Dr. Handsome Face: *Shouting into the radio.* Ummm…..We’re falling into a canyon----or something. Help!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: You got us here, can’t you just drive out? Just reverse it.

Dr. Handsome Face: That was confident me driving the ambulance, regular me can’t drive this. There’s too many buttons.

Panicked Intern: *Muffled.* What! We’re gonna die aren’t we.

Dr. Handsome Face: *To Six-Pack Abs EMT.* You’re the EMT, drive us out.

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Oh I don’t know how to drive this.

Panicked Intern: What!

Six-Pack Abs EMT: B.B. EMT does all the driving.

Dr. Handsome Face: She the boss of you or something? Humpf.

B.B. EMT: Hey, I’m still hearing you all---especially you dummy doctor. And Six-Pack Abs gets too distracted looking at himself in the rear view mirror to drive right.

*Panicked Intern screams and the ambulance shakes again.*

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Okay, if we can’t drive out, we’ll just bailout. *Six-Pack Abs EMT crawls into the back space and opens the back door.* Come on Dr. Handsome Face.

*Dr. Handsome Face follows Six-Pack Abs EMT out the back door. Panicked Intern is still struggling to get out of the overturned stretcher.*

Panicked Intern: Wait! What about me?

Six-Pack Abs EMT: Oh, yea. I guess we should take him.

*Six-Pack Abs EMT and Dr. Handsome Face drag the stretcher out and throw it on the ground. The ambulance tips over the cliff edge and falls into the forest below.*

Dr. Handsome Face: Well that was close.

Panicked Intern: *Muffled.* You think? Let me out.

*The ambulance radio crackles again and B.B. EMT talks to the empty ambulance.*

B.B. EMT: Hello? What was that? Six-Pack Abs? Are you okay?...Please be alive Six-Pack Abs…..I’m sorry about what I said about Beyonce….Six-Pack Abs! I love you! Over. 

Every Medical Show, Episode Six: The Red Button

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show. 

In which Awkward Dorky Intern pushes the wrong button.

A rather average day is unfolding at Average City Hospital; the nurses are overworked, the doctors are grumpy, and the hospital interns are frantic. The hospital halls and patient rooms are barely clean and the bathrooms are only marginally better. Luckily, the friendly, but only somewhat attentive hospital staff take extra care to make their patients feel at home…..

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I’ve had this pain through my arms for a long time, I have trouble lifting my arms above my head, and I think there’s something wrong with my liver, at least I think it’s my liver, see, right here *presses her hand to her stomach.* Oh, and my big toes always hurt on a Tuesday.

Apathetic Nurse: Lucky for you, it’s a Wednesday. *Huffs.* The doctor’s on the way.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I can’t hear you dear you need to speak up.

Apathetic Nurse: *Speaking louder.* The doctor is coming.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Stop speaking so softly, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Apathetic Nurse: *Almost shouting.* The doctor is almost here!

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What?

Apathetic Nurse: *Screaming.* THE DOCTOR IS ON THE WAY.

Saintly Grandmother Nurse: See, that wasn’t so hard dear, you need to project more when you talk to patients.

*Apathetic Nurse growls and glares at Saintly Grandmother Patient. Dr. Hottie McHotterson waltzes through the door, wearing expensive sunglasses and a sexy dress underneath her white doctor’s coat. She lifts her sunglasses and swishes her hair out before approaching the patient.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I’ve arrived. *Poses for a minute in the center of the room.* Did someone call for a doctor?

Apathetic Nurse: Unfortunately.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Pardon? Did you speak, nurse?

Saintly Grandmother Patient: My elbow hurts.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: That’s nice. Okay, nurse, where’s the patient’s chart? I can’t be expected to get things like I’m some common intern or….nurse. *Looks disgusted at Apathetic Nurse.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I’m here! I’m here!

*Awkward Dorky Intern rushes into the patient’s room with the chart. He slides across the floor and runs into the curtain dividing the room. Awkward Dorky Intern gets tangled in the curtain and falls on top of the patient on the other side of the curtain. The patient shouts and Awkward Dorky Intern apologizes and finally disentangles himself from the patient and the curtain.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Here’s the chart Dr. Hottie McHotterson. You look great today by the way. *Blushes.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Of course I look great, I keep my perpetually youthful appearance by stealing youth from the kids down in pediatrics.

*Awkward Dorky Intern stares at Dr. Hottie McHotterson in horror. Apathetic Nurse yawns.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I can’t hear you dear.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Okay, Ms. Saintly Grandmother Patient, looks like you’re suffering from the typical old people problems---stiff joints, weakened immune system, fatigue, and being cranky. I’m prescribing some medication that you’ll probably forget to take. I also recommend some breath mints.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: You’re a fresh young lady, how dare you say such things to me! Did you know that I was lived through WWII AND the sixties. My third cousin attended Woodstock. And I knew a guy that thought he saw John Lennon at a bus stop. I am still relevant, I grew up without internet---

Awkward Dorky Intern: What’s this button do?

*Awkward Dorky Intern pushes a giant red button on the patient’s bed marked ‘only press in case of emergency.’ The foot of the bed starts to raise up.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What’s happening! Oh my goodness, the bed is possessed! Make it stop!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I can’t, I just painted my nails. See? *Flashes her hand in front of the patient.*

Apathetic Nurse: I’m not fixin’ it. *Crosses her arms.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: No! Stop, stop it bed! *Pushes the red button repeatedly but the bed keeps moving up so that the patient’s legs are pointed at the ceiling. Her hospital gown starts slipping.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Ohh, my knickers! *Tries to pull her gown back but can’t reach it.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I’m sorry, I’m trying to fix it---

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What’s your name? I’m going to report you to the medical---people or something. I’m going to call your supervisor, I’ll….I’ll…I’ll write a letter!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: *Checks her watch.* This was fun, we’ll do it again Saintly Grandmother Patient, when you come in next month for the same problem after you forget to take the medication I’m giving you. Bye! *Puts her sunglasses back on and waltzes back out of the room.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Wait, where are you going? Don’t leave me with these incompetent fools! No offense to you, dears.

Apathetic Nurse: None taken. *Sits down and begins reading a magazine.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: How do I fix this? The bed won’t go down, Apathetic Nurse, help!

Apathetic Nurse: Push the red button.

Awkward Dorky Intern: But that’s for emergencies.

Apathetic Nurse: And what’d you think this is?  And that didn’t stop you before you hit the button. *Flips through the magazine.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Are you saying something? I can’t hear you down there, stop mumbling---

Every Medical Show, Episode Five: Stale Coffee

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which the nurses have a serious conversation about their love lives.

It’s another dreary day at Average City Hospital. Skies are gray and the hospital staff are slow and listless. No one feels like doing work, not that they feel like working on any other day, but today the staff is feeling especially lazy. Maybe because it’s a Sunday, maybe because the cafeteria served turkey sandwichs for lunch and everyone is sleepy from turkey-induced Tryptophan, or maybe it’s because half the hospital was up late the night before partying at Dr. Hottie McHotterson’s swanky city loft. Whatever the reason, the hospital nurses are hiding out in the break room discussing donuts and their uninspired love lives over some stale coffee….

Gossipy Nurse: You heard about what happened in the morgue last week? *Slurps coffee loudly, he looks around the room excitedly.* They killed a patient. The interns, and Evil British Doctor was there.

Apathetic Nurse: We already heard this story Gossipy Nurse---I thought you’d have some fresh news by now, not some stale story. *Rolls her eyes.*

Hungry Nurse: There’s fresh food? Where? I want some.

Apathetic Nurse: Fresh news----

Gossipy Nurse: I’ll have you know, Apathetic Nurse, that I have some fresh developments in the morgue story. Thank you very much. *Snaps fingers.*

Apathetic Nurse: I could care less either way.

Hungry Nurse: Wait, just to be clear on this food thing, there’s definitely no fresh food anywhere?

Nurse Sexy Hair: I think Dr. Handsome Face loves me.

Gossipy Nurse: *Waves his arms to dismiss Nurse Sexy Hair’s comment.* So anyways, a patient in the morgue was apparently still alive---he “died” of some cardiac something or other. And when Evil British Doctor brought the interns to the morgue, they found the guy banging to get out of those metal drawer thingys. And they just left him in there, he suffocated.

*Gossipy Nurse smiles and takes a big gulp of his coffee. Hungry Nurse is stuffing an entire donut in his mouth. He moves to grab the donut from Apathetic Nurse’s plate.*

Apathetic Nurse: Riveting story. *Frowns and slaps Hungry Nurse’s hand away from her donut.*

Gossipy Nurse: I know, right! I think this coffee is stale. 

*Puts the mug down.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: I made the coffee, and it tastes fine. Dr. Handsome Face thinks I make great coffee. *Flips her hair.* He’s definitely going to ask me out. Oh look, he just sent me a flirty text. It says, ‘Hi.’ And then a winky face emoji.

Gossipy Nurse: Ooo, sparks are flying! Tell me everything.

Apathetic Nurse: No one cares about your love life.

Gossipy Nurse: Then let’s talk about your love life Apathetic Nurse.

Hungry Nurse: I don’t think she has a love life, I don’t think you love anything.

Apathetic Nurse: I can talk for myself!....I love naps and days off.

*The door to the nurses’ break room flies open and Panicked Intern is standing in the doorway holding a dripping IV in one hand and dragging a patient on a gurney behind him.*

Panicked Intern: I—I---I can’t do it! *Starts crying loudly.* I can’t get the thing in the guy----*Points the IV at the sleeping patient on the gurney.* I’m the worse intern EVER. They’re gonna kick me out----

*Apathetic Nurse gets up to help, she shows him how to place the IV in the patient.*

Apathetic Nurse: Save the waterworks kid, I left my umbrella at home.

Panicked Intern: You---*sniffle* you saved me again Apathetic Nurse. You’re a beautiful angel.

Apathetic Nurse: What?

*Hard-Ass Head Nurse walks into the room behind Panicked Intern.*

Hard-Ass Head Nurse: What’s this intern doing here? Get out! Scat, shoo--- *She forces Panicked Intern out and slams the door.* And what are you all doing in here? We have patients to care for! People to save, get out there, chop, chop. *Claps her hands.*

*The nurses groan and reluctantly get up. Hungry Nurse snatches the last donut before Gossipy Nurse can take it.*

Gossipy Nurse: Soooo Apathetic Nurse, you and Panicked Intern? Hmm, he’s not terrible-looking. You need me to spread the word so the other interns don’t try to steal your guy?

Apathetic Nurse: Gross, no. I don’t want him. He looks like he’s ready to fall apart any second, he couldn’t handle me.

Gossipy Nurse: But can you handle him? *Winks.*

Nurse Sexy Hair: He’s kinda cute, in a zombie-looking kind of way. *Giggles and flips her hair.* Ooo, Dr. Handsome Face texted me again, he says ‘I can’t find my patient’s chart, help me look for it?’ then there’s a sad face emoji---what do you think that means?

Apathetic Nurse: I think it means he lost the chart.

Every Medical Show, Episode Four: Three-Car Pileup

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which Dr. Handsome Face, Dr. Cheesehead, and Panicked Intern get locked in a closet.

It’s a beautiful day at Average City Hospital, nurses scurry through the crowded halls, doctors rush to and fro, family members of patients waddle around confused, cleaning staff glare at all the feet scuffing the shiny tile floors. A big basket of chocolate muffins left for some lucky patient gets eaten up by Hungry Nurse, trying to be discreet and failing as he shovels fat muffins into his pink scrubs. The Hospital Intercom crackles and a pleasant female voice echoes through the halls….

Pleasant Intercom Voice: Three-car pileup reported off of Highway 29, crash victims incoming. Paging Dr. Cheesehead to the ER, stat. And stat means stat, Dr. Cheesehead, please consume all cheese-derived products before scrubbing in. Also paging Dr. Handsome Face to the ER, we need your good lucks and lackluster charm to calm the victims’ families. I repeat, paging Dr. Cheesehead and Dr. Handsome Face to the ER.

Dr. Cheesehead: Carry this cheese for me Panicked Intern, it cannot be allowed to cool---it tastes best when it’s warmed by human contact.

*Dr. Cheesehead hands Panicked Intern a huge wedge of white cheese as they walk down a hallway.*

Panicked Intern: *Twitches and almost drops the cheese.* Uhmm---but aren’t you going into surgery Dr. Cheesehead? I thought food wasn't allowed in the Operating Room.

Dr. Cheesehead: That’s why you’re holding my cheese. Isn’t that right my little cheesy? *Bends down to poke the cheese wedge.*

Panicked Intern: But…but…but…you said I could assist in the surgery. *His hands twitch.*

*Dr. Handsome Face appears next to Panicked Intern and Dr. Cheesehead.*

Dr. Handsome Face: I don’t think your hands are steady enough to drive a car, let alone slice someone open.

Dr. Cheesehead: You’re one to talk Dr. Handsome Face, how many drinks did you have before you came in today?

Dr. Handsome Face: I had coffee…..

Dr. Cheesehead: Any special additions to that coffee? Oh---wait a second, I should bandage my cheese in case shaky hands here drops my darling little cheesy.

Dr. Handsome Face: Seriously? Don’t you have a cooler for that? I know you do.

Dr. Cheesehead: It’ll be a second. Give you a chance to sober up.

Dr. Handsome Face: I am sober…mostly.

*Dr. Cheesehead, Dr. Handsome Face, and Panicked Intern stop at a supply closet. Dr. Cheesehead pulls some gauze from one of the containers in the closet and begins wrapping the cheese. As the three of them stand in the closet another hospital intern walks by outside….*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Hmm, this closet is a safety hazard, I should close it. *He closes the closet and locks it without looking inside.* I wonder what’s for lunch, maybe today’s the day Incompetent Intern and Overachiever Intern will finally invite me to their table to eat with them. I can’t wait to become friends with them, they finally stopped locking me in the bathroom, so that’s progress. 

*Awkward Dorky Intern walks away whistling a song. A gurney runs over his feet.*

Panicked Intern: Did someone just close the door? Why is the door closed? Is it locked? *Tries opening the door.* It’s locked, how is it locked? Why can’t you open it from the inside, that’s stupid, what if someone wanted to GET OUT. 

*Panicked Intern holds his chest and starts breathing too heavily.*

Dr. Handsome Face: It’s not locked, *tries the door.* It’s locked.

Dr. Cheesehead: I can’t get locked in, my cheese will get overheated in this small space. This is your fault Panicked Intern, you’re supposed to watch the door.

Panicked Intern: I didn’t know that, you never told me to---

Dr. Cheesehead: Everyone knows this supply closet only opens from the outside! My cheese needs to be at a perfect temperature or it’ll start melting.

Panicked Intern: I’ve only been here six months, how was I supposed to know that? I’m sorry, please don’t yell at me. My blood pressure will go up if I’m stressed. Is this closet heated? I’m burning up. It’s so small in here. *Sits down on a box.* I can’t breathe. *Starts hyperventilating.*

Dr. Handsome Face: That’s some intern you have there Dr. Cheesehead. Could I borrow him for a day? I want to use him as a distraction---there’s this nurse that keeps hugging me every time I have a breakdown and she messes up my perfectly gelled hair. *Runs a hand through his hair.* Maybe she’ll focus on this nervous little intern and leave me alone for a while. I mean—I know no one can resist my good looks, but seriously---Nurse Sexy Hair needs to lay off the hugging.

Dr. Cheesehead: He’s my intern, Dr. Handsome Face. I need him to protect my cheese. And maybe if you stopped crying every day she’d stop hugging you---and no one can resist your handsome face Dr. Handsome Face.

Dr. Handsome Face: My good looks are a burden, I know, but she’s weirdly obsessed with my hair.

Panicked Intern: *Tapping his phone.* There’s no service in this closet. Can’t you call someone Dr. Cheesehead? Dr. Handsome Face? I think I’m having a panic attack.

Dr. Cheesehead: My phone is supposed to be warming the cheese, you can’t use it. Didn’t you have a panic attack this morning? Stop eating my cheese Panicked Intern!

Panicked Intern: *Mouth full of cheese.* I’m a stress-eater.

Dr. Handsome Face: Okay, I’m texting Nurse Sexy Hair right now—what should I say?

Panicked Intern: Tell her to let us out! *Eats more cheese.*

Dr. Handsome Face: I think I’ll just say ‘hey, what’s up?’ It’s casual, but flirty too.

Dr. Cheesehead: My cheese!!! Stop it Panicked Intern---

*Dr. Cheesehead tries prying the cheese from Panicked Intern’s arms and the cheese flies out of their grasp. The closet opens and the cheese hits the nurse at the door in the face.*

Apathetic Nurse: I knew I should've stayed in bed today.

Panicked Intern: *Mouth full of cheese.* Thadnked youd! You’rde my savdyour! *Hugs Apathetic Nurse.*

Apathetic Nurse: Don’t touch me intern---

Pleasant Intercom Voice: Paging Dr. Cheesehead and Dr. Handsome Face to the ER, the three-car pileup victims are waiting patiently for your expert expertise. Also, there are muffins in the on-call room.

Dr. Handsome Face: Thanks Apathetic Nurse, you always know how to help.

Apathetic Nurse: My pleasure.

Panicked Intern: My undying devotion is yours Apathetic Nurse. *Kisses her hand.*

Apathetic Nurse: I regret everything.

Every Medical Show, Episode Three: How to Save a Life

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

How to Save a Life--In which the interns get introduced to the dark side of being a doctor

Evil British Doctor: Welcome children. Today, I will teach you how to kill a patient. *Smiles gleefully.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Whaaaaaa? *Takes off his glasses and wipes them frantically.*

Overachiever Intern: Should we take notes? *Pulls a notebook from her scrubs.*

Incompetent Intern: I already did that today.

Evil British Doctor: Would someone please tell me what’s wrong with this patient? I’m too British and cool to pick up his chart, that’s what interns are for.

Overachiever Intern: The patient sustained head trauma and is suffering from intracranial bleeding---

Incompetent Intern: Wait, slow down, I trying to look up the words.

*Incompetent Intern reads from WebMD on his phone.*

Evil British Doctor: *Sighs* That’s quite enough showing off Overachiever Intern, save it for someone who’ll actually give you a gold star. The important thing to get from all that jibber jabber on the chart is the information you could use to destroy the patient.

*All the interns stare at him in horror. Incompetent Intern drops his phone, Overachiever Intern takes more notes.*

Evil British Doctor: Every patient is another opportunity to fulfill your destiny as a vampir---as a doctor. Use your training and intellect to discover the best, the most discreet way to squeeze the life out of the patient. Use every new technology, every experimental procedure---prescribe every risky medication to the bloody rats. Your highest calling is to death itself! Do my bidding interns! Hahaha!!!

*Thunderclap.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Sooooo, does that mean we should relieve cranial pressure in the patient?

Incompetent Intern: I can’t believe they didn’t tell us this in med school, guess I’m doing better than I thought at this doctor thing. *Trips over his own feet.*

Evil British Doctor: Incompetent Intern is now my favorite intern.

*Overachiever Intern widens her eyes in shock, her hands start twitching.*

Evil British Doctor: Come come interns, *claps his hands.* We must now journey to the morgue to witness the decaying flesh of my previous patients. Take notes Overachiever Intern, you have a long way before you get into my good graces.