Every Medical Show, Episode Six: The Red Button

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show. 

In which Awkward Dorky Intern pushes the wrong button.

A rather average day is unfolding at Average City Hospital; the nurses are overworked, the doctors are grumpy, and the hospital interns are frantic. The hospital halls and patient rooms are barely clean and the bathrooms are only marginally better. Luckily, the friendly, but only somewhat attentive hospital staff take extra care to make their patients feel at home…..

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I’ve had this pain through my arms for a long time, I have trouble lifting my arms above my head, and I think there’s something wrong with my liver, at least I think it’s my liver, see, right here *presses her hand to her stomach.* Oh, and my big toes always hurt on a Tuesday.

Apathetic Nurse: Lucky for you, it’s a Wednesday. *Huffs.* The doctor’s on the way.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I can’t hear you dear you need to speak up.

Apathetic Nurse: *Speaking louder.* The doctor is coming.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Stop speaking so softly, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

Apathetic Nurse: *Almost shouting.* The doctor is almost here!

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What?

Apathetic Nurse: *Screaming.* THE DOCTOR IS ON THE WAY.

Saintly Grandmother Nurse: See, that wasn’t so hard dear, you need to project more when you talk to patients.

*Apathetic Nurse growls and glares at Saintly Grandmother Patient. Dr. Hottie McHotterson waltzes through the door, wearing expensive sunglasses and a sexy dress underneath her white doctor’s coat. She lifts her sunglasses and swishes her hair out before approaching the patient.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I’ve arrived. *Poses for a minute in the center of the room.* Did someone call for a doctor?

Apathetic Nurse: Unfortunately.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Pardon? Did you speak, nurse?

Saintly Grandmother Patient: My elbow hurts.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: That’s nice. Okay, nurse, where’s the patient’s chart? I can’t be expected to get things like I’m some common intern or….nurse. *Looks disgusted at Apathetic Nurse.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I’m here! I’m here!

*Awkward Dorky Intern rushes into the patient’s room with the chart. He slides across the floor and runs into the curtain dividing the room. Awkward Dorky Intern gets tangled in the curtain and falls on top of the patient on the other side of the curtain. The patient shouts and Awkward Dorky Intern apologizes and finally disentangles himself from the patient and the curtain.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: Here’s the chart Dr. Hottie McHotterson. You look great today by the way. *Blushes.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Of course I look great, I keep my perpetually youthful appearance by stealing youth from the kids down in pediatrics.

*Awkward Dorky Intern stares at Dr. Hottie McHotterson in horror. Apathetic Nurse yawns.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: I can’t hear you dear.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Okay, Ms. Saintly Grandmother Patient, looks like you’re suffering from the typical old people problems---stiff joints, weakened immune system, fatigue, and being cranky. I’m prescribing some medication that you’ll probably forget to take. I also recommend some breath mints.

Saintly Grandmother Patient: You’re a fresh young lady, how dare you say such things to me! Did you know that I was lived through WWII AND the sixties. My third cousin attended Woodstock. And I knew a guy that thought he saw John Lennon at a bus stop. I am still relevant, I grew up without internet---

Awkward Dorky Intern: What’s this button do?

*Awkward Dorky Intern pushes a giant red button on the patient’s bed marked ‘only press in case of emergency.’ The foot of the bed starts to raise up.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What’s happening! Oh my goodness, the bed is possessed! Make it stop!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I can’t, I just painted my nails. See? *Flashes her hand in front of the patient.*

Apathetic Nurse: I’m not fixin’ it. *Crosses her arms.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: No! Stop, stop it bed! *Pushes the red button repeatedly but the bed keeps moving up so that the patient’s legs are pointed at the ceiling. Her hospital gown starts slipping.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Ohh, my knickers! *Tries to pull her gown back but can’t reach it.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I’m sorry, I’m trying to fix it---

Saintly Grandmother Patient: What’s your name? I’m going to report you to the medical---people or something. I’m going to call your supervisor, I’ll….I’ll…I’ll write a letter!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: *Checks her watch.* This was fun, we’ll do it again Saintly Grandmother Patient, when you come in next month for the same problem after you forget to take the medication I’m giving you. Bye! *Puts her sunglasses back on and waltzes back out of the room.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Wait, where are you going? Don’t leave me with these incompetent fools! No offense to you, dears.

Apathetic Nurse: None taken. *Sits down and begins reading a magazine.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: How do I fix this? The bed won’t go down, Apathetic Nurse, help!

Apathetic Nurse: Push the red button.

Awkward Dorky Intern: But that’s for emergencies.

Apathetic Nurse: And what’d you think this is?  And that didn’t stop you before you hit the button. *Flips through the magazine.*

Saintly Grandmother Patient: Are you saying something? I can’t hear you down there, stop mumbling---