Every Medical Show, Episode Nine: Close Quarters

About Every Medical Show

What if every trope, plotline, and archetype from every medical show on television were gathered into one big, crazy hospital? On Every Medical Show, you’ll meet all the same characters you love, and love to hate; like Dr. Handsome Face, who’s battling a drinking problem but always has time for his patients. Or Nurse Sexy Hair, who does her job but always manages to look picture perfect and is never too tired to bat her eyelashes at anything that moves. And Panicked Intern, who’s always on the edge of a nervous breakdown because he hasn’t slept since he started med school. At Average City Hospital, where all your favorite medical drama tropes live, the staff is always too busy with their relationships to be competent doctors, and if there’s an emergency, you better believe they’ll take a long lunch break before getting down to business. On Every Medical Show, you’ll fall in love with the hospital sad sacks and the sexy heroes, you’ll learn to hate the overachievers and whiny patients. Don’t miss a single riveting episode of….Every Medical Show.

In which the interns learn a valuable lesson. 

The interns at Average City Hospital are trying hard to be good interns, but not hard enough. Incompetent Intern has a running tally of the patients he’s killed, the new intern, Cute Quirky Intern is too preoccupied with cleaning her glasses to study the patients, and Awkward Dorky Intern is hopelessly klutzy. Only Overachiever Intern can be left alone with a patient for more than a minute without disaster. The experienced doctors at Average City Hospital are trying to rectify this, if only they could stay focused long enough to try…..

Awkward Dorky Intern: Am I doing the intubation right? This looks right, right?

*Dr. Hottie McHotterson is sitting in a corner admiring herself in a small mirror.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Hmm, yes that’s fine. Hurry up, my time isn’t free you know.

Awkward Dorky Intern: You didn’t even look, *throws equipment on the ground.* You’re supposed to be teaching us, all you do is sit there, staring at yourself in the mirror! I’m trying to become a doctor here!

*The other interns look shocked. Dr. Hottie McHotterson looks impressed.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Wow, maybe we should start calling you feisty intern. I’m impressed, you got spunk kid. Now channel that into finishing the procedure, and if you’re lucky, I’ll permit you to speak at rounds later.

*Awkward Dorky Intern smiles and gets back to the procedure.*

Overachiever Intern: Wait, so he throws a tantrum and suddenly he’s the golden boy? I work my butt off studying and going over the procedures again and again and again and I get nothing but flak for it! Evil British Doctor made me stand in the closet for 10 minutes after I correctly diagnosed the patient yesterday---

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: That reminds me, what was the diagnosis again? I need it for my report.

Overachiever Intern: No! I’m putting my foot down.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Just don’t put your foot down on my toes, just got my toenails done.

Incompetent Intern: *Muffled from being inside a closet.* So why do I have a timeout in the closet?

Overachiever Intern: Are you really asking that? You’ve killed three patients today.

Incompetent Intern: The first one was an accident, the other two died during my lunch break, so I technically didn’t do anything. I just want to know how much longer I need to be in this closet---it smells like rubber and old vomit.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I’m hearing a lot of talking and not enough working---

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Whispering.* Oh no, she’s gearing up for a tirade.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Overachiever Intern! I heard that. I’m not going to tolerate your insolence any longer. To the closet! *Points at the small closet where Incompetent Intern is.*

Overachiever Intern: I didn’t say anything!

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: No excuses! And no, you can’t study your notes in the closet. Leave it on the table! To the closet with you!

Overachiever Intern: Bbbbbut…..*Sighs and goes to stand in the closet with Incompetent Intern.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Quick, grab her notebook, I need to know that diagnosis!

*Awkward Dorky Intern tries to grab the notebook but it slips out of his hands and he trips over the notebook, ripping the pages.*

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: Clumsy idiot. *Shakes her head while adjusting her hair.*

Awkward Dorky Intern: I can tape it up, I can fix it. *Grabs the notebook and tries putting surgical tape on it.* I tried this yesterday on a patient.

Dr. Hottie McHotterson: I hope they lived to tell that story.

Overachiever Intern: What happened to my notebook! Did you rip it again Awkward Dorky Intern? You’re banned from our lunch table!

Awkward Dorky Intern: *Whispering.* Not again.

Incompetent Intern: *Muffled.* Hey Overachiever Intern, cozy in here, right? So what’s it like out there?

Overachiever Intern: I will stab you with my pencil if you 

try and hug me Incompetent Intern.

Incompetent Intern: At least I know you’ll be able to fix me up.