Every Medical Show, Episode Sixteen: Health Inspection

In which Average City Hospital lives up to its reputation

It’s been a long time since we last visited Average City Hospital, but that doesn’t mean the halfway competent staff aren’t ready to give their most average performance for a visiting health inspector….

Dr. Handsome Face: We take pride in our staff and their work here Ms. Snobby Health Inspector. I think you’ll find all are prepared for any test you throw at us.

*Dr. Handsome Face swishes his hair.*

Dr. Handsome Face: Did I also mention that we’re all very good looking? Or most of us anyways. *He looks sideways at Hungry Nurse.*

*Hungry Nurse crunches loudly into an apple as he stares at the health inspectors. Apple juice drips down his chin.*

Snobby Health Inspector: I do not throw tests Dr. Handsome Face. I am here as an official health inspector to thoroughly examine your records and observe your everyday practices. I expect full access to everything in this hospital. 

Hungry Nurse: Does that include the refrigerators?

*Snobby Health Inspector looks down her nose at Hungry Nurse. She clicks her pen loudly and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Begin the tour.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead Snobby Health Inspector into the room outside the operating room. The three of them watch Evil British Doctor try to guide Cute Quirky Intern through a procedure.*

Evil British Doctor: At the rate you are moving the anesthesia will wear off and the patient will awaken.

Cute Quirky Intern: I’m trying Evil British Doctor, but it’s the first time I’m assisting in a surgery, I’m so excited! I’ll move a little faster.

Evil British Doctor: No, work more slowly. I insist.

Cute Quirky Intern: Oh…okay then. You’re really nice Evil British Doctor, all the other doctors just yell at me to move faster. You’re not as mean as they say you are.

Evil British Doctor: You are right. I am much meaner. Now slow down on this patient.

*Snobby Health Inspector gasps and writes something down on her clipboard.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Encouraging interns to purposely fumble procedures, flouting OR safety protocols…these are serious hazards. What is this doctor’s name?

*Dr. Handsome Face shrugs. Hungry Nurse takes another loud bite of his apple.*

Snobby Health Inspector: *mumbling as she continues to write* Eating in the OR prep room…Now I want to inspect one of the patient rooms.

*Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse bring Snobby Health Inspector to a room where Dr. Cheesehead is speaking to a patient.*

Dr. Cheeshead: So then I told the man, ‘sir, Munster cheese is best served with a good beer, not a heavy Shiraz wine—get rid of this!’ Can you believe that? Crazy. Shiraz with Munster cheese, I might as well eat cheese from a package.

 Patient: Uh, Dr. Cheesehead, am I free to go?

Dr. Cheesehead: Huh? Oh yea, I signed the discharge papers hours ago.

Patient: What! You mean I can go home? Why am I still here?

Dr. Cheesehead: You asked me about cheese.

Patient: I had a question about fees!

Dr. Cheesehead: Oh. Well, cheese is better. I just like talking about cheese.

*Snobby Health Inspector shakes her head and writes something down on her clipboard. Dr. Handsome Face and Hungry Nurse lead her down the hallway to a supply closet.*

Dr. Handsome Face: You should take a look at the supply closet, it’s full of…. *He exchanges a look with Hungry Nurse* …supplies.

Hungry Nurse: *Nodding* Yea, supplies.

Snobby Health Inspector: I know what a supply closet is.

*Dr. Handsome Face opens the door and he and Hungry Nurse push Snobby Health Inspector inside and lock her in. Snobby Health Inspector rattles the doorknob.*

Snobby Health Inspector: Hello? Did you just lock me in? Excuse me! *Banging on the door* I need to finish my report! Open this door!

*A noise in the corner of the closet startles Snobby Health Inspector. She sees Apathetic Nurse and Panicked Intern kissing beside the toilet paper.*

Apathetic Nurse: *Speaking to Snobby Health Inspector* Do you mind? We’re trying to have a romantic moment here.

Panicked Intern: Ye-ye-yea. Uh, that—that door isn’t locked is it?

Snobby Health Inspector: I demand you two stop this immediately. This room is not meant for your personal activities.

Apathetic Nurse: *Sarcastically* Oh no, I’m so scared. Don’t tell anyone.

Panicked Intern: Um, I-I-I am actually scared here. Are we really locked in?

Snobby Health Inspector: Oh this is all going in my report.